Monday, May 15, 2017

7 Reasons Why I Hate Printers



7 Reasons Why I Hate Printers


Dear Hewlett Packard-

I hate you.

I don’t think of myself as someone who writes hate letters, and yet here I am. I can’t help but feel like you’ve driven me to this, although some self-reflection may be required as well.

My current degree of emotional turmoil over a printer doesn’t seem right, natural, or normal.

Psychological evaluation may be in order. Maybe there is a name for the printer version of road rage...

But before I go look in the mirror, let’s consider why I hate you SO VERY MUCH.
Yes, I’m yelling now.

I prefer to be methodical in my hatred, so I’m actually going to count the ways.

Reason #1 Why I Hate HP- Your products have a stupid/mean return policy.

I can only assume this is because you know they suck and don’t want the public, who pays for them, to actually be able to return them. This would collapse your empire of evil deeds, run by toner.

So, once the box is open, no returns.

Did I mention that you suck? You do. No other industry gets away with this.

Even cars can be returned!

Reason #2 Why I Hate HP- Warranty? Yeah, sure.

What a joke! I’m having problems with my printer and tried to get help. (I’ll return to this in detail in reason #3.) After 5 minutes searching I find the help button. I must enter lots of information. I must actually remove my printer (assisted by large man) and look at the back to find appropriate numbers. You can’t just help me- you need several dozen digits to do so.

Upon entering the numbers I found that the warranty is void, as of one month after purchase.

Sheesh.

Thanks. Hopefully nobody was injured in the searching for said numbers. It’s like you expect the product to break within 30 days.

What am I buying? Milk?!

Reason #3 Why I Hate HP- Helpline/Shmelpline

Can a helpline be more difficult to use?

I doubt that very much.

I have actually had an easier time navigating government bureaucracy. I can only assume that you are powered by the Illuminati or vampires.

Now I’m getting error messages that I can’t interpret because I lack a degree in printer tech, and I can’t send a print job from most of my devices. One works intermittently.

I’d send you a (hateful) letter, but I don’t know how to print stuff anymore.

Reason #4 Why I Hate HP- Wireless

What is the deal with all printers being wireless? Seriously. Especially when the wireless feature keeps NOT WORKING.

(Why does HP seem to hate my Chromebook? Is this some kind of contest with Google? Did someone hurt your feelings? Are you punishing them for something that happened at a Frat party in ‘97? My Google Chromebook is awesome and you need to get on board. Yesterday. PRINT FROM CHROME!)

Anyway, when the wireless didn’t work AGAIN, I tried to connect with the USB cord. This seemed to also upset the printer EVEN THOUGH THERE IS A BUTTON FOR IT.

I’m almost ashamed to admit that I miss the days when my printer hooked up to my computer and they were friends who held hands.

And if you are going to make me do everything via wireless, you might want to make sure it works before your force everyone to buy it.

Reason #5 Why I Hate HP- Marriage Problems

When my  husband walked in and found my crying- YES-YOU MADE ME CRY!- over the printer, his feelings were hurt because the printer was a gift for me. He bought me the new printer because my LAST HP PRINTER also made me cry.

He didn’t realize that HP is abusive to my psyche. He was trying help, not knowing that you are just mean to me.

Reason #6 Why I Hate HP- Degree Needed??!!

I don’t want to brag, but I actually have a college degree. It was in a lame, liberal-arts area, so it isn’t much use in life. Still, If you can graduate high-school, much less college, you should be able to work simple, everyday technology like a printer.

And yet, here I am, with puffy eyes and ruined make-up, feeling like an idiot. My marriage is on the rocks (well, that’s an overstatement) because of a printer.

I can only assume that the people who work at HP want this tech to be usable by the general public, otherwise, how else could we burn trees at the rate needed to destroy the atmosphere?

My current belief is that you are in cahoots with big timber. Otherwise, why would my printer spit out random advertisements periodically? Wireless seems to work for the ads! You hate the environment and Al Gore.

I know it.

Reason #7 Why I Hate HP- Printer Cartridges

We all know you make your money off of printer cartridges. It’s common knowledge.

It’s not cool, by the way, to gouge your customers once upon purchase, and then over and over again every time they need ink.

There is a name for this. It's called a PUSHER. Yes, you are basically on the same level as a street corner drug peddler.

And no, I’m not signing up for automatic ink shipment every time you perceive that I need it.

Pound sand, you dirt bag. I have your number.

Oh wait, I can’t find your number. It’s hidden on your website.
~
Hewlett Packard- I’m pretty sure you know that you are mean. This explains the 30 day warranty, the broken marriages, the hidden serial numbers, and the hidden contact information.

At this point, I can only compare you to 1940's tobacco companies with their false advertising and government contracts.

I don’t know how you sleep at night.

Probably on piles of money that you made selling tiny ink cartridges that get used up quickly running diagnostic reports.

I’m so sad I feel so hateful. I’m sad that I’m mad about my Christmas present. And I’m sad that I feel like a dummy because I can only get my printer to work about 40% of the time, and only then after pressing lots of buttons.

I hope you get a rash from sleeping on all our money.
You deserve it!

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