Today I was thinking about why I still write on this blog, or if I should at all. I used to think this was a place where I could talk about birth and just express my thoughts where it wouldn't hurt anybody's feelings. I realize now that there is no such thing as a safe place like that!
My husband thinks that this blog is kind of like a journal and it is good to have it written down somewhere- the things I did and the memories of motherhood. Maybe someday I will print it up and have a little (or huge) book for my kids to look at. Then they will have a glimpse into my shaken, sleep deprived brain during the days when they were little and I was learning so much and making so many mistakes.
Sometimes this is a place where I just blow off steam. I think of writing as the cheapest, healthiest form of free therapy on the planet. Instead of paying somebody to listen to me I get on here and can unload. Sometimes when I sound angry about some OB or some birth practice, I am really just mad at my husband! Bet you didn't know that! But writing things down and working them out in my head- it helps me understand sometimes where I am coming from and what I really think.
I read other blogs. Some mom bloggers talk about blogging like it is actually work. That always makes me giggle a bit because this isn't work at all to me. This is pleasure. This is my ME time. I wouldn't do it if I didn't love it. And if this is a job (where they don't pay you) then this is the best freaking job on the planet!
I am not ashamed to admit that I am selfish with my blog. I consider it all mine. I read other bloggers too who talk about existing to educate or support or share information or things like that. Those all sound quite lovely and charitable.
But my blog is not lovely and charitable. This blog is for me. I have never written it to support other women. Frankly, if other women need support in order to know that they are doing the right thing, then maybe they aren't really doing the right thing. I believe that women are strong enough to find that support within them. You sure as heck don't need support from me. You are so much stronger than that.
I don't really mind negative comments that much- because- I can be honest now (we're friends, right?) I don't mind negative comments because I don't really care what other people think of me or my opinions. If you disagree you are free to. If you dislike me- well, that is just fine.
The comments that actully bug me are the ones where people tell me what to DO with this blog. Ick. I have had people tell me that I have a responsibility to say this or that. I have had people tell me what to do here.
This is my little oasis. You can tell me what to do, but I don't have to do it.
So, no- this blog isn't about support or even education and it sure as hellfire isn't about "empowerment" (I really hate that word. Women have their own power. It isn't anybody's to give them). This blog is about my ego and the LOVE I have for writing and birth. I truly love it. I LOVE natural birth. I LOVE writing. I can't believe how lucky I am that I get to live my dreams and live my loves and that other people are willing to read and play along. How awesome is that?!
First and foremost in my life I am a mother. Very high on the list is my role as a wife. Neither are very easy. And I sincerely believe that to be a good wife and a good mother (and a good person in general) that you have to give. A lot. I believe in sacrifice and duty and the beauty in doing the right thing even if it isn't the thing I want to do. That is what I try and often fail at as a mother.
And THAT is probably why I love this blog so much. Because here it is all mine. This is the one place in my life that doesn't revolve around other people. This is my little oasis of selfishness. The blog, Mama Birth, is a tiny little place that I have carved out for myself where I can do and say what I want. This is oddly important to me and I have to admit that I enjoy every second of it. It also kind of strokes my ego a bit and frankly, sometimes I need that. (Especially if I make an awesome Quiche Lorraine and everybody I live with just complains about it. That makes me want to freak out like a ninja. I really appreciate that nobody here refuses to eat my cooking.)
So thanks for hanging out. (Though, I don't really care if you don't want to! HA!) If you actually read this self obsessed post then you must be a real reader- not somebody who just goggled "vaginal explosion" (Yes, many people find me that way. Creepy.) and wound up here. Thanks for reading. Thanks for commenting.
(Unless of course you want to boss me around. In that case, you can POUND SAND!)
~As a side note, I should point out that I really do make a fabulous Quiche Lorraine. I will never understand why my kids don't appreciate this. I make the freaking crust from SCRATCH! With real butter! Who does that?!~