Monday, December 3, 2012

Things No Natural Mama Wants to Admit


Let's face it.  There are some things that we hold to be true within the natural community that are just kind of bunk.  Not sure what I am talking about?  Let me explain.

Brown rice-  It sucks.  Admit it.  It tastes gross, it takes forever to cook and it is just altogether nasty.  I grew up on the stuff, swore I would never eat it once I could cook my own food- and I didn't.

Then I had kids.

I cannot in good conscience feed my children white rice.  Stripped of nutrients and color.  Gross.  Sure it tastes like heaven that melts in your mouth but it cannot be allowed.

So I lie.

Brown rice tastes good.  Brown rice tastes good.  Believe it.  Picture it.  Be the fiber.

Coconut oil-  Pay attention to some natural message boards and you will quickly learn that ingesting coconut oil (or smearing it on your body or inhaling it up your nostrils or bathing it it) will actually CURE ANYTHING!!!!  OH YES!  Herpes (formally un-killable virus) ERADICATED.  The plague?  It only happened because they were not yet importing coconut oil.  Cavities?  Puh-lease- people who eat coconut oil don't get cavities!

Just kidding.

It doesn't cure everything and it smells weird.  And it's really nasty and chunky in a smoothie.  (See- I AM a real natural mama- I have had coconut oil in a kale smoothie.  I even throw a beet in there when I am feeling real wild.  Don't question my credentials.  I had an unassisted birth.)

Natural deodorant-  True story- I haven't used real deodorant in over a dozen years.  I know.  Summer living in Dallas- I lost a few friends.  Never fear- natural deodorant works, right?!

Oh, how I wish it did.  And it does.  For about 8 hours if you sit very still in an air-conditioned room.  BUT- if you dare move, get stressed out, walk, breathe heavy or exert yourself in any fashion- WATCH OUT.  The normal biological function called SWEATING will happen and then- DOOM!

People won't tell you you stink.  You won't KNOW you stink, (you can't actually smell yourself) but you will in fact, stink.

(If you dare comment about how my stink is caused by a zinc deficiency or any other dietary mishap you will be un-friended..  I snort coconut oil for breakfast sucka.)

Fast food tastes bad Natural people say this but we all know they are lying.  I had McDonald's the other day.  It tasted fabulous.  True, I felt like crap about an hour LATER- but if you are living in the MOMENT- it tastes good.

Actually, I could subsist on Good N' Plenty alone.  It may just be the most perfect food ever created in a lab.

But I can't admit that publicly because I would be whipped with a cruelty free, free range, organically grown, cow leather whip.  Shhhhhh.....

 Natural birth doesn't hurt-  This is actually just something we say so that people will wait until it is too late to get the epidural.  All of those who have actually had a few natural births know that it does in fact hurt at SOME POINT- even if just for a few minutes.  In fact, it is not uncommon to believe you will actually DIE.

So go ahead, talk about rushes and waves and orgasms while you contract your little heart out.  I refuse to believe that women are "doing it wrong" if their natural birth hurts like heck.  (Doubt my credentials again?  I have had four kids.  So THERE!)

The amber teething necklace Cures screaming nighttime fits from those teething babies.  How?  Magical amber juices that soak into their skin.  That's how.

The truth is that after you walk away your hubby pours NyQuil down the baby's throat and THAT is why they sleep so well.  Amber teething necklaces.

Whatever.

(Actually, I have no idea if these work.  One of my kids wore one for a solid year and a half.  She was an absolute TERROR at night that entire time so there is a possibility that the amber made her ANGRY like you read about.  Or maybe she would have been worse without it.

Oh the mysteries of the crunchy universe.  Will you ever reveal your secrets?)

Breastfeeding doesn't hurt-  You know you heard it.  I have even told countless people that "Breastfeeding doesn't hurt if you do it right..."  Truthfully it never did hurt with my first baby.  Of course he was jaundiced and I had to make him nurse those first few weeks.

Then I had another and another and another.

OH  MY  WORD.

It was like getting caught by one of those vacumes that can lift a bowling ball off the floor.  HOLY HECK FIRE.  Ouch.

No I wasn't doing it wrong.  The baby was just healthy and strong like a Hoover.  Truth is breastfeeidng can cause some "tenderness" for the first few days even if you are doing it right.  It is a lot of action on that area.  How do you tell the difference between "doing it wrong" pain and "doing it right, normal tenderness"?  I have no idea.

Find a good lactation consultant and don't give up.  It is worth it and it doesn't last.

Well, I think I have successfully alienated my entire readership base, past present and future.  I hope this was as good for you as it was for me.

Have a great holiday.  And if you start to feel sick, take a bath in coconut oil while you eat brown rice.

I dare you.

(And don't forget to use one of those weird salt deodorant stones afterwards.)

40 comments:

Kayla Danelle said...

hahaha awesome. I love this list.

Jessi said...

Hilarious.

All day today I kept reapplying my natural deoderant because the funk was coming through the apricot. I wasn't even sweating!

And yeah on the natural childbirth. I do personally believe it's the best way but it's certainly not "for the joy of it". My last birth it was "because there's no other way to the other side."

~Aimee~ said...

You haven't alienated me! I freaking love these types of posts. They crack me up. But will you still like me if I admit I like brown rice? Soaked in butter and some lemon pepper, of course. ;-)

"I snort coconut oil for breakfast, sucka." BWAHAHAHA!!!!!!! LOVE IT!!!

Jessi said...

brown rice: so true. My husband (bless his heart) doesn't say a peep but I know he secretly frowns inside when brown rice is on the stove.

I did actually find one that I thought tasted pretty good. It was a basmati brown rice in Whole Foods' bulk section.

Ann said...

Regular brown rice? Yep, nasty, nasty, nasty.

Brown Basmati rice? Yummy, yummy, yummy. And it makes your house smell like popcorn while it's cooking. Still takes 4 times as long as white rice to cook, but it's VERY yummy. Trust me.

Everything else? Totally agree.

I have a 14 month old with an amber necklace around his neck (been there since he was about a month old). He has been my hardest kid yet (by far!).......he's baby #6. I wish I knew if it were doing any good. I haven't dared take it off in case he gets WORSE!

Alison Mertz said...

Hilarious. I love it.

Although, I must admit, I *do* actually *like* brown rice. Especially if its cooked in broth and has salt on it....oh well.

:)

Rachael said...

I think you could have included a subset on cloth diapering. ;) Just saying...

Dena said...

We tried the brown rice thing...and then went to no rice at all. Now it's white jasmine rice and I don't feel guilty.

Dena said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mandyjanedesigns said...

Yes, I wish natural deoderant really worked, natural birth really does hurt, but way faster and less than a csection if you count the emotional trauma especially(I had a VBA2C so I know) and brown rice is a huge pain to cook. However I made some Mexican brown rice that rocked! And so true about the fast food. You are awesome and thanks for the honesty and bringing a smile. I think you need a new Chuck Norris post so my husband can continue to think you are cool :)

celeste said...

Hillarious! Breastfeeding hurt me for at least two weeks solid! It was toe-curling, passing out pain. Like little needles being shoved into my nipples. But was it worth it for 19 months of breastfeeding? You betcha! LOL

Better Than Eden said...

Awesome. THis is so great. Although (and I promise I'm not even lying to myself) the homemade coconut oil deodorant actually WORKS for me!! Those natural ones I bought at the store were a joke but the coconut oil/baking soda one works like a charm...and after four kids there was quite the hormonal chaos going on in that area.

Yes birth hurts for the vast majority of women. That was the one thing that completely turned me off from the hypnobirthing thing. The idea that it only hurts because you're doing something wrong...ugh. So condescending.

And oh my goodness...fast food. If I had the money and didn't care about our health... That's what I craved SO much at the beginning of my pregnancies (and was so proud of myself for not giving in!)

Great post :)

AmandaRuth said...

LOL natural deodorant doesnt do a lick of good...but I still wear anyhow lol

MK said...

- Better than Eden: I can't speak for Mongan Method but Hypnobabies does NOT teach that. It teaches that it doesn't have to hurt, but not that pain = you doing something wrong. It teaches ways to help it be painless, but outright says (multiple times) that you can still have discomfort using those methods. Personally I have had one pain free birth using hte method and one that was the total opposite (in that order lol). I know I didn't do anything wrong the second time (third child, first was epi)..his birth was just different and the method helped me in other ways (mostly early in the birth, but in the end too when transfer was on the table). And while I'll admit I'd love for my next (if we have another) to be more like the pain free birth ;-) I won't say his was better than his brothers either.

That being said... I love this list lol. I totally believe in our amber and like coconut oil (ours smells yummy? Kids even think so.. Granted I have not graduated to eating it lol) but natural deodorant was a fail here too :-( and I not so secretly like white rice and all kinds of fast food (and junk food). I want to eat healthier... really lol.

Melissa said...

This made me literally laugh out loud. FUNNY STUFF and TRUE.

Living Lavallee said...

I've been learning so much since graduating from nutrition school so many years ago, such as this about how bad brown rice is - who wudda thought?! http://butterbeliever.com/brown-rice-vs-white-rice-which-is-healthy/

And I learned this about smoothies:
http://www.lanimuelrath.com/weight-loss/to-smoothie-or-not-to-smoothie-the-skinny-on-blending-your-fruits-and-greens/

But funny post!!!

melissa v. said...

AWESOME.

MK said...

*Btw... thank you for doing this post (and thankyou to the comment I replied to as well lol). Replying to that actually helped me work through something in my mind that I didn't realize was there. I see a blog post of my own coming soon.. Love when reading random posts does that (esp when they're good ones).

Fantastikraft said...

I'm hardcore, I soak my brown rice, and use peppermint essentialoil on my salt crystal. I just repeat over and over 'it's worth it in the end'.coconut oil smells gross.

Darlene Watson said...

Love this! I haven't been on your blog lately (shunning the screen time for a much needed vacay) but as always you put a smile on my face! (and you're so right!)

Dr. Travis Robertson said...

So very real as always. Awesome!

Mommy Flick said...

Absolutely hilarious!

Chara said...

I laughed out loud at your breastfeeding picture- SO true! Hoover vacuum child- I had one too!
Ouch! I am much more a fan of white rice, but I do like coconut oil, done properly! (At the risk of sounding self promoting- here's how we do ours! http://www.stitchingheartstogether.net/2012/11/26/how-do-i-make-coconut-oil-treats-2/ sorry if that's rude).
I have found I STINK (I can even smell it) when I am detoxing- B.O. bad news- nothing helps! Magnesium is the best help I have found and if you're really going crunchy some told me ACV wiped on the "pits" works... Haven't tried it myself though. :)
Thank you for you sense of humor!!!

Tori said...

I agree that the salt stones do very little to nothing... I've turned to using lavender essential oil... straight on my pits. It's been interesting. I find myself enveloped in a wonderful waft of scent of lavender instead of my BO. Oh, and others have noticed, but not in a "oh, that's so overpowering" sort of way. In fact, I've noticed people notice, but not really udnerstand what they noticed! It's like they smelled something lovely, but didn't know where it came from. Very much preferrable to folks noticing my BO and comprehending really quickly that it was me. *sigh* :( anyway...

given what I know about lavender essential oil, I have hope that it may be conquering some of the shtuffs that lives in that dark area and may (seems to!), in fact, make me stink less even when I don't remember to put my EO on. Serious coolness! :) Anyway... it's not scientific. It's only my experience. I'm only one. But if COULD work for you, too!!! And how fun/cool/neat would that be!! :)

Holly Scudero said...

...I actually like brown rice. And coconut oil, although I don't advice adding it to anything cold. Or anything that will be cold again eventually. I used it once to saute onion and carrot that eventually became a soup, and the soup was delicious, but the coconut oil solidified in the soup after it was in the fridge all night. That was kinda weird.

Shannon W said...

Totally agree about the amber teething necklace! And I had such high hopes. My son took 3 straight months, yes you read that right, to bring in 8 teeth. It was hell on earth for everyone. The child has steel for gums. He wore that thing night and day. Then I used Advil, I used Camilia, I used teething tablets. Nothing worked. $20 down the drain on that sucker.

Adrea Craft said...

As one who has been in the "Natural" world for 20 some odd years, reading this I nodded the entire way through.. A few comments: 1) Rice cookers are the best thing EVER. I never made rice before because I always ended up scorching it and then it just tastes bad. I mix my brown rice with jasmine, basmati, black, pink, what ever "exotic" rice has caught my fancy at the store...
2)I use coconut oil for EVERYTHING! I don't even like coconut.It's ok,and I ABHOR coconut water. Sorry, tastes like acorn squash liquefied. And I LIKE acorn squash. Just not liquefied. I fry stuff, bake stuff, spread it on my toast-coconut oil ratchets up the metabolism, gives you energy and CANNOT be turned into body fat! We use olive and butter on occasion,but coconut oil rules.
3)Natural deodorants work for people who don't sweat. Hand sanitizer works. I've used it in a pinch and you can get some fun fragrances too! Mostly cuz I don't use hand sanitizer, got a bunch and didn't want to waste it. BO is caused by bacteria...hmmm...makes sense,eh?
I LOVE your candor. And the BF photo. They call 'em jugs for a reason! Rock on mama!

Janelle Hoxie said...

omgoodness! This was awesome, you say everything we all want to say but don't have the guts to! Yeah... those teething necklaces, this has been a weird mystery to me because at some points I really thought he was worse when I took it off but last night I decided I'm done believing it does anything and he slept really good! And didn't spew this morning either (has reflux).

But I actually got used to eating brown rice, if you get the parboiled kind its not so bad, but if you get the ultra fresh organic long grain kind that needs to be soaked forever then yeah.. its kinda gross.

Cocnonut oil does have its benefits! But yeah... curing cavities not so sure bout that.

MN Hypnomom said...

Yuck, I totally agree about the brown rice. I actually switched to Jasmine rice few years ago after I did some research and found that it actually has more protein and fiber then brown rice (and it's really yummy). And with the current info out on the arsenic in brown rice, I don't feel guilty at all not serving it :)

MN Hypnomom said...

@Better then Eden- I taught Hypnobirthing the Mongan Method before my daughter was born, and there is absolutely nothing in the curriculum that says that if childbirth hurts, you're doing it wrong. It does that say childbirth doesn't have to be the horror scene that you see in the movies. It also says that there are some women who do not feel pain (which is well documented, btw), or that many feel pressure or another sensation during surges (otherwise known as contractions) instead of pain and then explains the physiological reason for that.

There is also a section where the birth companion is informed that there may be a time when mom will say that it's too much, that she can't take it anymore, that she wants the drugs, etc... this often happens at transition and is a sign that baby is about ready to be born any minute :) And then the birth companion is given tools to help momma through this transition (like hypo-anesthesia, relaxation, or simply reassuring mom, etc).

One thing that I love about Hypnobirthing is the focus on how every birth is different, how to let go of expectations, and to "go with the flow" of your birth, no matter what happens.

I'm sorry that you have been given misinformation about Hypnobirthing, and thank you for the opportunity to clear this up for other momma's :)

Liz said...

Soaking brown rice overnight reduces the cooking time considerably. It also really speeds things up to make enough for a week at one go and just reheat the portion you're going to use.

Soaking also helps with knocking out some of the phyto-thingies (wooo science!) that keep you from getting the nutrition that's why you go with brown rice in the first place.

Lani said...

It's been awhile since I've been over here. I've missed you and your hilariousness. :-)

Aislynn said...

You are so my favorite, although I don't mind coconut oil, think brown rice actually tastes better (try cooking it with tarragon) than white, and our amber necklaces have been lifesavers. Definitely need to include a zinger about how cloth diapers are a pain in the butt!

Sara B. said...

Ha! Love this! I do actually like brown rice better....but I'm a total sucker for McDonalds fries and Coke, too (shhhhh!)

Stephanie Sheaffer said...

Totally laughing!

My sister-in-law gave me a jar of coconut oil last year and...it's still sitting in my pantry. ;)

I also agree about breastfeeding (soooo painful in the beginning). But 100% worth it.

And, yes, I definitely felt like I was going to die during transition for each of my three births. But, again, 100% worth it. :)

stephanie@metropolitanmama.net

Lynn Y said...

Had to laugh.. I'll eat the brown rice but please don't make me fake smile my way through a meal if quinoa again.. really tastes bad. Lol. True on the fast food too. When I was pregnant the first time I would've sold my soil for a whopper at 8am. Love it!

C. Beth said...

My natural births hurt; I haven't tried coconut oil or amber teething necklaces or natural deodorant; and I agree that McDonald's tastes good.

But honestly...I like brown rice! I've started buying short- or medium-grain, and I think the texture is so much better. Depending on my mood, I sometimes PREFER the flavor of brown rice. For realz, yo.

But don't you dare put a 100% whole wheat tortilla in front of me.

Paula -- CutieFruity said...

I have had all the same thoughts and justify my crunchy ways by the "benefits" (real or imagined). McDs does make me feel like poo; birth was painful much longer than labor when I had an epidural; deodorant is not anti-perspirant (Truly's is my fave brand) and does make this stinky woman less smelly but not less sweaty; even if the necklace doesn't work, I still think it looks cute. And why don't I eat more brown rice? I totally should.

Ashley said...

I found your blog today and after reading this post - I'm definitely now a fan! I laughed out loud a few times and read some quotes to my husband, he thinks you're funny too, by the way :)

A little bit of natural but a little bit of get real. That's ho I roll. Great post!

Lisa Mason-Adams said...

I try to make "natural" choices as a mother. Both my sons were natural births. My first was breastfed into the toddler years and plan the same for my second if he so desires. I cloth diaper, "wear" my babies and make my own baby food. I have worn and used my share of those "natural" products like deoderant and toothpaste... Even cut out shaving for awhile (I know I know...) however like you I now choose friendships over being THAT "natural"
But all of that being said I make those choices for ME and MY kids... Because mothering is a very personal thing for each and every one of us. What works for me might not work for my neighbour or her beliefs may be different than mine. So there is nothing I hate more than pretentious "natural mamas" who preach and scold about how people are destroying the environment and injecting their babies with horrible carcinogenic chemicals!! Its sad because I look for a good article, blog or conversation about a particular subject but all too often it turns into another lecture or preachy piece of literature.
Which is why I felt the need to comment here on about how wonderfully humble you are! Every single "natural" mother feels the exact same way and could have an even longer list but won't admit it. So hats off for being awesome and brave enough to stick it to those phonies!!
You will know exactly who I mean when you look at which readers you lost following this post!
However you have certainly gained at least a few more based on these comments and you can count me in too!

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