Monday, December 3, 2012
Things No Natural Mama Wants to Admit
Let's face it. There are some things that we hold to be true within the natural community that are just kind of bunk. Not sure what I am talking about? Let me explain.
Brown rice- It sucks. Admit it. It tastes gross, it takes forever to cook and it is just altogether nasty. I grew up on the stuff, swore I would never eat it once I could cook my own food- and I didn't.
Then I had kids.
I cannot in good conscience feed my children white rice. Stripped of nutrients and color. Gross. Sure it tastes like heaven that melts in your mouth but it cannot be allowed.
So I lie.
Brown rice tastes good. Brown rice tastes good. Believe it. Picture it. Be the fiber.
Coconut oil- Pay attention to some natural message boards and you will quickly learn that ingesting coconut oil (or smearing it on your body or inhaling it up your nostrils or bathing it it) will actually CURE ANYTHING!!!! OH YES! Herpes (formally un-killable virus) ERADICATED. The plague? It only happened because they were not yet importing coconut oil. Cavities? Puh-lease- people who eat coconut oil don't get cavities!
It doesn't cure everything and it smells weird. And it's really nasty and chunky in a smoothie. (See- I AM a real natural mama- I have had coconut oil in a kale smoothie. I even throw a beet in there when I am feeling real wild. Don't question my credentials. I had an unassisted birth.)
Natural deodorant- True story- I haven't used real deodorant in over a dozen years. I know. Summer living in Dallas- I lost a few friends. Never fear- natural deodorant works, right?!
Oh, how I wish it did. And it does. For about 8 hours if you sit very still in an air-conditioned room. BUT- if you dare move, get stressed out, walk, breathe heavy or exert yourself in any fashion- WATCH OUT. The normal biological function called SWEATING will happen and then- DOOM!
People won't tell you you stink. You won't KNOW you stink, (you can't actually smell yourself) but you will in fact, stink.
(If you dare comment about how my stink is caused by a zinc deficiency or any other dietary mishap you will be un-friended.. I snort coconut oil for breakfast sucka.)
Fast food tastes bad- Natural people say this but we all know they are lying. I had McDonald's the other day. It tasted fabulous. True, I felt like crap about an hour LATER- but if you are living in the MOMENT- it tastes good.
Actually, I could subsist on Good N' Plenty alone. It may just be the most perfect food ever created in a lab.
But I can't admit that publicly because I would be whipped with a cruelty free, free range, organically grown, cow leather whip. Shhhhhh.....
Natural birth doesn't hurt- This is actually just something we say so that people will wait until it is too late to get the epidural. All of those who have actually had a few natural births know that it does in fact hurt at SOME POINT- even if just for a few minutes. In fact, it is not uncommon to believe you will actually DIE.
So go ahead, talk about rushes and waves and orgasms while you contract your little heart out. I refuse to believe that women are "doing it wrong" if their natural birth hurts like heck. (Doubt my credentials again? I have had four kids. So THERE!)
The amber teething necklace- Cures screaming nighttime fits from those teething babies. How? Magical amber juices that soak into their skin. That's how.
The truth is that after you walk away your hubby pours NyQuil down the baby's throat and THAT is why they sleep so well. Amber teething necklaces.
(Actually, I have no idea if these work. One of my kids wore one for a solid year and a half. She was an absolute TERROR at night that entire time so there is a possibility that the amber made her ANGRY like you read about. Or maybe she would have been worse without it.
Oh the mysteries of the crunchy universe. Will you ever reveal your secrets?)
Breastfeeding doesn't hurt- You know you heard it. I have even told countless people that "Breastfeeding doesn't hurt if you do it right..." Truthfully it never did hurt with my first baby. Of course he was jaundiced and I had to make him nurse those first few weeks.
Then I had another and another and another.
OH MY WORD.
It was like getting caught by one of those vacumes that can lift a bowling ball off the floor. HOLY HECK FIRE. Ouch.
No I wasn't doing it wrong. The baby was just healthy and strong like a Hoover. Truth is breastfeeidng can cause some "tenderness" for the first few days even if you are doing it right. It is a lot of action on that area. How do you tell the difference between "doing it wrong" pain and "doing it right, normal tenderness"? I have no idea.
Find a good lactation consultant and don't give up. It is worth it and it doesn't last.
Well, I think I have successfully alienated my entire readership base, past present and future. I hope this was as good for you as it was for me.
Have a great holiday. And if you start to feel sick, take a bath in coconut oil while you eat brown rice.
I dare you.
(And don't forget to use one of those weird salt deodorant stones afterwards.)