How You Should Vote- A Quick and Dirty Guide

This picture is funnier than this entire post. 
I realize this is a birth blog but I reserve the right to tell you what to do on any number of subjects.  And, since election season is upon us (and has been for the last two years- seriously- don't these people have ANYTHING else to do?) I am going to take this opportunity to tell you how to vote.

In addition to being the "queen in charge of poop clean-up" and the "woman of pendulous breasts", I am also what is known by the journalist set as a "swing voter".  This just means I can be bought in every single election.  I have not sworn allegiance to any party and if I have it can change.  In fact, I tend to vote for a different party in every election.  When it comes to the American political scene, I lack what those better than me call "convictions".

(I realize this post will offend all those people out there who are still optimistic enough to have convictions.  I honestly don't know how they manage to believe that all politicians aren't liars who figured out a way to not work for a living and still get paid by the very people they lie to.)

Now for your guide-

I know it can really be confusing trying to figure out who and what to vote for.  Fliers in the mail.  Commercials paid for by some rogue "not funded by the actual politician who has limits on the unholy amount of money he can spend" political group.  Debates.  Speeches.  Blah, blah, blah.

What's a girl to do?  Who can you believe?  Does anybody ACTUALLY agree with everything these people say?  REALLY?!  Can anybody still identify with people who have guaranteed health care and people who DRIVE their cars FOR THEM and who don't worry when gas is four bucks a gallon?

But I digress....

Here are the quick and dirty voting rules.

There are only two.

Rule number one-

If the person has been elected before- VOTE AGAINST THEM.  Never vote for the incumbent.  Always vote for the challenger.

Maybe you are one of those people who votes for an actual party every time.  Personally I think that system is really judgmental.  Give the other dude/gal a chance.  Plus, if politicians knew they were only getting one term- EVER- I bet they would feel more like the rest of us when it comes to job security.

Rule number two-

If there are propositions on the ballot in your state- VOTE AGAINST THEM.  Never vote yes.  Always vote no.

Propositions usually mean more laws or more money spent.  Both are usually bad news, especially if you live in California.  I think there are more laws in California than there are in communist China.  There is actually a segment of the population that does NOTHING except think of more things to regulate, legalize, make illegal, charge for, etc.  (It's true.  For reals.)

That's it folks.  Vote against.  Vote against.

And that is how we create HOPE AND CHANGE.

Well, not really.  But it is funny and doesn't require study.

(Yes, I realize I will burn in ever loving heck for daring to mock the sacred American voting process and not take it seriously- I mean- it's our FUTURE!  But I took civics in high school.  The American government is designed specifically for one thing- to be INEFFICIENT.  Checks and balances.  Remember that?  The three parts of the government, the executive, legislative, and judicial are supposed to fight each other and keep each other in check.  It is a beautiful if painfully slow design.  It makes sure that NOBODY can get much done.  It is one of the most perfect things about this country.  It also ensures that no matter who is elected, they will be forced to break their promises and struggle to accomplish anything.

I love this country!)
~Photo from, artist jppi)~


K said…
As always made me smile and for the most part I agree. I think I would add a rule #3 to do your research and read carefully as there are sometimes exceptions to #s 1 and 2.
melissa v. said…
FOUR BUCKS A GALLON??? WTH? Where can I find such cheap gas? In Canada we're paying $1.45 per litre. That's (lemme pull out my calculator here, I'm no mathematician) $5.80 per gallon.

Maybe you should vote for whoever guarantees Canadians can get cheaper gas.
Mellanie said…
Ha ha ha! I think I will print this and take it to the polls with me. ;-)
Blair said…
Melissa V: Move to SC. It's 3 a gallon here. :)
Janet said…
I'm surprised to read this from you. You advocate research and knowing your facts for pregnancy and birth, yet recommend people blanketly vote for the challenger and no on all propositions? I think it's important to know who and what you're voting for. Sometimes--not always--a proposition means spending more money, but some things are worth spending money on. Giving your children a healthy pregnancy and birth are extremely important, but a healthy future is crucial. I don't think you'd be so cavalier with your healthcare, so why be with the decisions that affect you, your family, and your community?
Melissa said…
Seriously? You want to vote in people just because they're the challenger without critically thinking about their platform. You have 20 questions to ask a midwife, but are just going to blindly vote for politicians and propositions. That's ridiculous. You're fine with picking a policy maker because he or she is new, yet you want an experienced midwife. Think about it. You're so worried about the lies obstetricians tell, but don't even question who you're voting for. Your hypocrisy is astounding.
Mama Birth said…
Holy cow people. I am surprised that people who read my blog don't know that I joke about stuff. I am tired of politics- and so are a lot of people. Why? Because otherwise nice people and friends suddenly get NASTY and say that people they have never met "hate women" or "aren't American". I'll spell it out for you- it is mean and I don't like it. So I wrote a joking post about it.
Yvie said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
Yvie said…
It was a satire.