|Why doesn't this happen in my house? WHY?!|
I am really starting to understand my mother's point of view as time goes on. I remember her saying that she lived out in the country so that nobody noticed when she yelled at her kids. (Was she kidding? I really am not sure....)
I jokingly tell the kids that my shift lasts from 7am until 8pm. That gives me a good 13 hours of mom duty before I get to clock out. If the kids insist on being awake after 8pm, SANITY is a bonus, NOT a guarantee. (Do you find it annoying that I capitalize things all the time? Because I just love it.)
Anyway, back to me.
So, you are walking past my house. On any given night you might hear me shouting (by an open window of course because I am an idiot and don't think about stuff like this until I notice neighbors staring and also because the kitchen sink is by a window) you might hear me yelling,
"GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH!!!!! DO YOU WANT THEM TO FALL OUT LIKE YOUR FATHER'S????"
Or of course, an oldie but a goodie, "MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE IF YOU DON'T PUT ON YOUR DIAPER RIGHT THIS SECOND!!!!!!
Another one of my favorites, "IF YOU DON'T GO BACK IN YOUR ROOM I AM GOING TO DO SOMETHING AWFUL THAT I HAVEN'T THOUGHT OF YET BUT I AM THINKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW!!!!"
Did I mention that I live with my mother-in-law (who I think hates me, but really, who can blame her)? Did I also mention that it is quite possible that my husband is playing MS PAC MAN while this is all going in. (Ms Pac Man because, of course, he is a feminist. Of course.)
Some days I think that if I make it through the day without physical violence I should just get a straight shot to heaven. Does anybody else feel that way? ANYBODY?!!!
Other days I think that I am going to burn in a fiery (but hopefully SILENT) hell for the rest of eternity.
Anyway, if you happen to be walking by and you hear me shouting I just want to try to convince you that I am not always a horrible person. I guess being a horrible person some of the time may qualify me for horrible person status, but I am hoping it is more of a percentage deal. Like I pass if I am a good person 71% of the time. Hopefully.
Today, during the day these things happened:
-Somebody brushed the dog with a person brush. (We don't actually have a CLEAN dog. Just so you know. I think he is itchy. And I can really only be expected to keep my children clean, the dog has got to fend for himself.)
-Found underwear on the counter in the bathroom. Dirty. Not mine. Not a child's. (No more details will be provided.)
-Took the kids to swim lessons. Listened to one of the children complain the whole way about having to walk. (Yes I realize that kids have shorter legs and they get tired. I have to tell you though, this particular kid really enjoys complaining non-stop. You are going to have to take my word for it. Ironically, looking at this post, it really annoys me to hear somebody else complain non-stop.) Seriously, swim lessons are fun and they always have energy DURING them! WHAT THE?!
-I got mad at my husband about something. Not sure what it was but I am pretty sure it was his fault.
-Water dumped on the floor.
-Lots of urine.
-Poop juice. (I don't really want to describe this. Let's just say it is a phrase we use in our house a lot and today it involved a baby playing in the dog water and then getting her diaper removed....)
-Did I mention I have stretch marks?
-Fighting amongst the kids. (Yes, upon reflection I realize that my kids fight with one another because I suck in some way and am constantly modeling imperfect behavior as opposed to perfect/awesome/non-violent/monk behavior.
-My almost three year old screaming NO!!!!!! at every and any thing I asked her to do. (No she does not eat food coloring. She didn't even have sugar today.)
-One of the kids broke a brand new thing that my mother-in-law bought for herself. We will add this to the list of: antiques, washing machine, dryer, trampoline, baseboards, etc.
When I look at this list even I have to admit that it doesn't seem like that big of a deal. I mean, what is my problem? Honestly, I don't know. But this much I do know: My sanity has about a 12 hour window. If you would like to push me farther than that there is a very good chance that something unpleasant will shake loose. You may be able to hear it come loose from the street.
I think I need to move to the country.
I really want to be one of those bloggers with four children who can gush about kind communication and patience and talking it out. But I really don't understand how it works. How do you get to the ragged end of a long day and handle with grace and dignity the horror that is bedtime? I really don't know.
I am kind of hoping that other mother's suck at bedtime too and also freak out at the end of the day and need a moment of silence to themselves. I hope this doesn't make me a bad mom, but really, maybe it does. I hope the kids remember some of the times I am kind and patient throughout the day.
Maybe I should just practice my game face and being a better liar! I would be dishonest but I would sure look better. Plus, I should probably shut the windows. Sound sure does carry out of an open window.
Peace out mamas-
May your bedtimes be peaceful, pleasant, and smell like lavender.