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Sometimes I think the quirks of motherhood are a cruel joke made up by a man somewhere.
For instance, I have noticed that just when you figure something out and mentally give yourself a high-five, the children go CHANGING ON YOU. It is true. I swear it. You figure out nursing and then they start eating solids. You discover a working sleep routine and then they start teething.
And of course, there is the eight month old crazy time. Is it just me or do otherwise easy babies suddenly turn difficult around this age? My baby number four couldn't have been easier. She was a dream, and frankly, after two years of hourly wake up screams from her older sister (AKA #3, AKA Crazy Girl), I deserved an easy baby.
Then of course, she turned eight months old. Thus begins teething, first colds, separation anxiety, and lots of developmental milestones, and the previously easy-peasy baby flips a switch. Rather than ooohhhing and aaahhhing at me, she whines. If I put her down she crawls after me whimpering. If I walk out of or into a room she screams and cries. I AM COMING RIGHT BACK BABY!!! I SWEAR! Why doesn't she know this? I ALWAYS COME BACK!
The eight month milestone was a few months ago and still she despises going to anybody besides me or daddy. (Even grandmas! WHAT?) She gives me sad, pathetic looks if I dare set her down. She is, in other words, needy. She is currently sitting at my feet crying. I put her down because she was crying. I have four kids and I still haven't figured this mom thing out.
Insert here the phrase:
"You will miss this some day. Enjoy it."
Now, I feel guilty for not enjoying "it" whatever "it" is.
Maybe you are thinking, "Why doesn't she just baby wear?" or "She should be grateful to have kids," or "Shut up, woman!" (For the record I DO baby wear- a lot, I AM grateful I have kids and I KNOW I should shut up. But right now I am taking a small moment to do something called VENTING. It is where I get to use big letters and complain on my blog. You are not required to read.)
People say this to me, "You will miss this someday" when they see me with screaming, misbehaving, tired, kids in the grocery store. They say it when any young mom complains of sleep deprivation or piles of laundry or mud fights that dirtied your freshly mopped floor. In fact, I hear this echoing in my head anytime I dare secretly complain to myself about something going on in my life.
I know they mean well. I know people miss their babies. I know that there is lots of awesome going on in my life right now. I know that it will go by quickly.
And yet, I reserve the right to have a difficult time with it all without guilt.
I do not believe that I will miss it all someday. There. I said it! I think it is a bunch of hooey! I don't believe for a moment that I will ever miss the two years of 4 hour nights of sleep that my third child gave me. I don't believe that I will ever miss scraping together money to buy groceries or wondering how we will pay rent or having cars break down on birthdays or having more debt than income.
And I don't believe that anybody misses that crap.
So please don't tell me that these are "the best times of my life" because that REALLY depresses the hell out of me.
I will miss being needed and loved.
I will miss be the number one most important person to my babies when they move on and find somebody else to be their number one.
I will miss breastfeeding and the euphoria of a great birth.
I will miss the excitement in my two year olds voice every time she discovers that "Mr Moon" is still in the sky.
I will miss being able to fix their problems with a hug and being the resident expert on everything.
I will miss having someone fall asleep on my shoulder even if they leave green snot behind.
I hope someday I have the wisdom to appreciate every moment, even the sleep deprived, stressed out, misbehaving kid ones. But I don't have that much wisdom yet.
Right now I love some of it and feel overwhelmed by some of it too. Right now I don't want the things that keep me up at night to be blown off like they don't matter. I want to be able to enjoy parts of my life and still wish that some of it was over. I want to love the kids and hate the messes. I want to enjoy my moments with them and enjoy some moments alone.
Mostly, I want to be a mom and still be a human being with the occasional flaw, moment of ingratitude, or the occasional yearning for something else. It would also be nice if everybody was asleep at 8pm and stretch marks became sexy.
Disclaimer- I baby wear all the stinking time. For real. If you comment that baby wearing would fix all my problems then we won't be able to be friends any more. I also reserve the right to someday use the phrase, "You will miss this someday" on young mothers. I plan on being a very irritating old lady and farting in public and speaking my mind at will.