Tuesday, May 15, 2012

8 Lies Every Mom Should Believe Anyway


Honesty is great.  But when it comes to being a mom who can stand to live with herself, there are a few lies I prefer to believe. 


1) Taco Bell is good for you.

Beans.  Tortillas.  Cheese.  What could go wrong?  That is health food in my book.

(Note, please don't tell me what could go wrong.  It was a rhetorical question.)

2)  Pre-shredded cheese is good for the environment.

The energy I expend grating a block of cheese while 4 kids scream/whine/pee on the floor/or otherwise tick me off is greater than the energy expended when a machine in Kentucky does the same thing, then packs this perfectly shredded cheese in a fancy zipper bag. 

Did I mention it is good for the environment?  Yes, it is.


3)  My kids are not annoying.

Certainly not.  Other people's kids?  Of course THEY are annoying.  THEY ask the same question over and over.  THEY don't understand the word no.  THEY misbehave. 

MY kids on the other hand are awesome and cute all the time. 

One time I stopped believing this lie about my kids.  I don't want to get into details, but it wasn't pretty.  Blinders aren't just for horses.


4)  The "reward system" is TOTALLY different than a bribe.

"If you pick up your clothes, I will give you a chocolate chip." 

Do I say that?  Of course I do.

But I am not bribing my children.  I am teaching them that if you do the right thing you will be rewarded for it.  Later, when they are 30, they will realize that this is a total freaking lie and that life isn't fair.  It will be a downer  when that happens, but I will then have the opportunity to

A) give a hug and a listening ear, or

B) look smug.

5)  I will someday get sleep.

Think about it.

Babies- They need to eat frequently and somebody has to feed them. 

Toddlers- Did you think that the baby stage was bad?  HAHAHAHAHA!  18 months is pure torture.  Enjoy your baby when they will nurse back to sleep. 

Did I mention night potty training disasters?  I will leave it to your imagination.  

5 years on-  Then the kids need to get up for school, get picked up from school, go to activities, etc, etc, etc.  This means mom can't nap or make up for sleep or any silly things like that, especially if she also at this time has a baby and a toddler.

12 years on- Teenagers I hear make you stay awake at night with either worry or curfew watch.  You have to be awake when they come home so you can smell them and make sure they came in on time. 

Eventually all the kids leave home.  But, by then, you will go through menopause, your adrenals will be totally shot from all the worry and lack of sleep from the previous 25 years and you will no longer be ABLE to sleep even though in theory you should. 

Isn't the idea that SOMEDAY you will get sleep much more pleasant than the reality?  Yes it is. 


6) I enjoy making love in the bathroom.

Sure you do.

Who wouldn't enjoy the feel of tile in their 30's and 40's? 

It isn't spontaneous and exciting, it just hurts.  But I for one am committed to being spontaneous.  Keep on fibbing to yourself.

7)  Dark chocolate is good for you.

I know that numerous studies have found that this is good for your heart or you brain chemistry or something like that to consume dark chocolate.  If I had money, I would FUND a study like that for candy corn and chocolate cake and lemon bars.  Then I would have a whole host of things I didn't have to feel guilty about when I ate them in exorbitant quantities. 

(Lemon bars contain high concentrations of vitamin C, which is good for tissue repair, while candy corn has high levels of wax which lend themselves to preventing stretch marks....See, I am a natural at making stuff up.)

Maybe dark chocolate is good for you, but not in the addicts dosage that I consume it in.  Still, I prefer the, "It helps prevent depression" bit any day of the week.


8)  I enjoy buying my clothes without trying them on.  It is exciting, like a blind date.

Wasn't life lame back when you could go into a dressing room alone at a department store and try on something expensive before you bought it with money you had and took it home to wear on your firm young body? 

Very lame.

Much preferred is grabbing something off the rack, holding it up to you, making sure it is on clearance, and paying as quickly as possible before somebody darts out the door and into oncoming traffic. (Make sure you bring cash or grab the credit card that isn't maxed out!)

That is the way I like it too.  Me time is overrated and encourages self obsession.  I am a monk in housewife clothing. 
~~~
I am sure there are more lies I could think of, but I am pretty sure I need to clean poop off the floor.  And make dinner.  (Not in that order.)

Lest you think I sound bitter and cynical, I am in fact neither.  I am funny and witty and my approach to life is both enjoyable and grand.  

That is a lie that I will continue to believe until my dying day.

Peace out mamas- and keep your house stocked with chocolate. 

12 comments:

Bethany Learn - Fit2B Studio said...

Lie #9 ... doing crunches in my living room with a skinny chick whose belly has never felt the cold sting of gel and doppler will help me lose my mama pooch!

Anonymous said...

Yummy dark chocolate is why I love IKEA...that and the fact that I can send my whiny four year old to Smalland to play for a hour, during which time she thinks I'm the coolest mom ever and the staff thinks she's clever and adorable...much better than they would think if she was following me through the store complaining and jumping on the furniture...except when Smalland is full up...like it was last weekend...that's no good at all...

Shell's Space said...

Hilarious! Thanks for posting! HAHAHAHAHA

Mommy Baby Spot said...

Ha! awesome list! I totally believe the lie that if I'm starving and there's a choice between cake and yogurt, as long as I eat the yogurt first it's fine to eat the cake too "if I'm still hungry" ...totally works!

Ashley + Christian said...

this totally made me smile. i'm at the stage where my ovaries want kids but my brain (more so now than ever before) somewhat understands the life-altering ramifications of having them. don't get me wrong, i am beyond stoked to become a mom (and honestly thought we'd have one by now), but i am heeding the advice of all my friends with kids and enjoying my kidless moments while they last. i think if i can make it through midwifery school alive, we'll get the ball rolling. :)

Paala said...

Another good one, Mama Birth! I was WISHING I had shredded cheese while making mac and cheese earlier this week for my husband's requested birthday dinner. Someone I managed to do 3 layers of pasta with 3 blocks of hand grated cheese with one baby crying in my arms and the other tugging on me and running around making messes while yelling...ugh. I read somewhere that shredded cheese has wood powder on it to keep it from sticking or something so I've been hesitant to buy it again. But damnit, it is a lifesaver! Also, must be nice to have a bathroom big enough to have hanky panky in. Jealous!

Lani said...

Mmm... dark chocolate.

Mama Birth said...

I don't want to know how they make that stuff stay in tiny shredded pieces. Ah- life before google must have been awesome!

Dr. Travis Robertson said...

Hilarious Sarah! I would agree...you are witty and funny! :)

April said...

hahaha! I loved this!

Mama Birth said...

Good to see you on here still Dr Travis!

Jennifer Blake said...

Hahaha, making love in the bathroom! Someday my bedroom will be a private place again!

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