Because Sleep Sucks
Somehow, somewhere, some guy got the idea that people need sleep. At this point in my life, I am pretty sure that aforementioned man was just trying to sell a book.
Now every mother in the world knows that this is patently false. Of course you don't NEED sleep. It is nice, but not required. In fact, I sometimes think that sleep is really just for sissies.
Maybe I should design a shirt, "Warriors Sleep With One Eye Open. Women Don't Even Sleep" or "Sleep Deprivation- It's What's For Dinner."
How do I know women don't need sleep? Simple.
Women get pregnant. Women have babies. Women feed babies. Women can do this multiple times in their life. And as everybody knows, children and babies don't sleep. If you think one child doesn't sleep, go ahead and have a few more. Then you will learn a few things about sleep deprivation.
Hard day. Very busy. Tired. Legs sore. (Let's make things interesting and say you are pregnant on top of all of this.)
Ahhhhh.....sweet relief! After your long day and after getting your cute little brood fed and washed you FINALLY have some time to yourself! You settle in to enjoy it.
Then you hear it....the pitter patter! It is little feet. The feet need water. Or a pee break. Or maybe, if you are lucky, you get one who just enjoys a good pre-bedtime scream fest. Nice.
When YOU finally go to bed it goes kind of like this:
4 year old climbs into your bed
2 year old climbs into your bed
Sleep on your side, being careful not to disturb anybody. Suck in stomach.
GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE!
Then you get up and get the kids off to school, cook three meals, entertain, love, hug, laugh, play and do it all over again.
You know what- if you don't actually count how many hours of sleep you got, you will be HAPPIER. This is one of those times when ignorance is bliss.
Now, in college I took Psychology and we learned about sleep deprivation.
Some of the symptoms include:
Now my professor talked about this like it was a BAD thing. (See, our culture has a subtle pro-sleep attitude that frankly I find downright discriminatory.) But upon living a sleep-free lifestyle I have found that all of the above mentioned issues are actually awesome.
Grouchiness- Someday I will have to answer for my curt responses, my upset over things that don't matter like poop on the ceiling or green smoothie on a carpet, and when that day comes I will have a great reason for my grumpy days---SLEEP DEPRIVATION. Not sleeping is a great excuse. And I need more excuses.
Insanity- Now some might say that insanity is a bad thing. Not so. Insanity is way more fun and interesting than my normal dull life. Now you can't really enjoy cleaning dishes unless you are slightly nuts. Insanity also makes it easier to: a) Talk to people who don't speak b) Play silly games when you are a serious adult c) Forget what your thighs once looked like
See- insanity kicks butt.
Hallucinations- When I took Psych they talked about hallucinating like it was the tail end of all out sleep deprived crazy time. Again, they are discriminating against those who don't sleep. Hallucinating is super fun. However, if you are a mom, there is no way to TAKE hallucinogenic drugs without coming off as downright trashy. So, entering from stage left, hallucinations resultant from prolonged sleep deprivation. Now you can really enjoy Alice In Wonderland and Candy Land.
I think it is high time the mothers of the world UNITED to say, "SLEEP SUCKS and I will have no part in it any more!"
So stop trying to sell me books on how to get my kids to sleep and making me feel guilty when I am on the computer at 1am. Stop discrimination against the sleepless! We have had enough of it!
(Just in case you are severely sleep deprived and the above post offended you because you are in the grumpy stage, I was kidding. I think sleep is nice. But if you want to experience the severe stages of sleep deprivation just go a few more days. Then read this post again when you are hallucinating. It will be WAY funny.)
Note- All spelling and grammatical errors on this post and all others ever done are due to sleep deprivation. That is my excuse.