Because Sleep Sucks


Somehow, somewhere, some guy got the idea that people need sleep.  At this point in my life, I am pretty sure that aforementioned man was just trying to sell a book.  

Now every mother in the world knows that this is patently false.  Of course you don't NEED sleep.  It is nice, but not required.  In fact, I sometimes think that sleep is really just for sissies.

Maybe I should design a shirt, "Warriors Sleep With One Eye Open.  Women Don't Even Sleep" or "Sleep Deprivation- It's What's For Dinner."

How do I know women don't need sleep?  Simple.

Women get pregnant.  Women have babies.  Women feed babies.  Women can do this multiple times in their life.  And as everybody knows, children and babies don't sleep.  If you think one child doesn't sleep, go ahead and have a few more.  Then you will learn a few things about sleep deprivation.

Picture it....

Hard day.  Very busy.  Tired.  Legs sore.  (Let's make things interesting and say you are pregnant on top of all of this.)

Ahhhhh.....sweet relief!  After your long day and after getting your cute little brood fed and washed you FINALLY have some time to yourself!  You settle in to enjoy it.

Then you hear it....the pitter patter!  It is little feet.  The feet need water.  Or a pee break.  Or maybe, if you are lucky, you get one who just enjoys a good pre-bedtime scream fest.  Nice.


When YOU finally go to bed it goes kind of like this:

Nurse

Help toddler

Pee

Nurse

Hubby snores.

4 year old climbs into your bed

Get kicked

2 year old climbs into your bed

Sleep on your side, being careful not to disturb anybody.  Suck in stomach.

Nurse

Pee

GOOD  MORNING SUNSHINE!

Then you get up and get the kids off to school, cook three meals, entertain, love, hug, laugh, play and do it all over again.  

You know what- if you don't actually count how many hours of sleep you got, you will be HAPPIER.  This is one of those times when ignorance is bliss.  

Now, in college I took Psychology and we learned about sleep deprivation.  

Some of the symptoms include:

-Grouchiness

-Insanity

-Hallucinations


Now my professor talked about this like it was a BAD thing.  (See, our culture has a subtle pro-sleep attitude that frankly I find downright discriminatory.)  But upon living a sleep-free lifestyle I have found that all of the above mentioned issues are actually awesome.

Grouchiness-  Someday I will have to answer for my curt responses, my upset over things that don't matter like poop on the ceiling or green smoothie on a carpet, and when that day comes I will have a great reason for my grumpy days---SLEEP DEPRIVATION.  Not sleeping is a great excuse.  And I need more excuses.

Insanity-  Now some might say that insanity is a bad thing.  Not so.  Insanity is way more fun and interesting than my normal dull life.  Now you can't really enjoy cleaning dishes unless you are slightly nuts.  Insanity also makes it easier to:  a) Talk to people who don't speak  b)  Play silly games when you are a serious adult  c)  Forget what your thighs once looked like

See- insanity kicks butt.

Hallucinations-  When I took Psych they talked about hallucinating like it was the tail end of all out sleep deprived crazy time.  Again, they are discriminating against those who don't sleep.  Hallucinating is super fun.  However, if you are a mom, there is no way to TAKE hallucinogenic drugs without coming off as downright trashy.  So, entering from stage left, hallucinations resultant from prolonged sleep deprivation.  Now you can really enjoy Alice In Wonderland and Candy Land. 

I think it is high time the mothers of the world UNITED to say, "SLEEP SUCKS and I will have no part in it any more!"

So stop trying to sell me books on how to get my kids to sleep and making me feel guilty when I am on the computer at 1am.  Stop discrimination against the sleepless!  We have had enough of it!

(Just in case you are severely sleep deprived and the above post offended you because you are in the grumpy stage, I was kidding.  I think sleep is nice.  But if you want to experience the severe stages of sleep deprivation just go a few more days.  Then read this post again when you are hallucinating.  It will be WAY funny.)


Note- All spelling and grammatical errors on this post and all others ever done are due to sleep deprivation.  That is my excuse. 

Comments

Tiffany said…
Loved it! Sooooo my life!

Sleep deprivation, it's where it's at!
Mama Birth said…
NICE Tiffany- we should start a company selling bumper stickers
I think this is my fav blog post EVA because I so relate. I am pregnant with my 5th, run 2 home businesses(and a small part time store front) and home school and ehmm like to facebook. I may regret this when my face is 50, but heck I'll sleep when I'm dead...which hopefully isn't soon because I don't sleep. It also causes scatter brainess and rambling......
melissa v. said…
Amen sista. Sleep is for the weak. What did I used to do with all my well rested days before I had children?? I'm way more productive now. Or perhaps that is the hallucinations speaking??
melissa v. said…
I'm catching up on being behind on your blog and I gotta say; your crack is facebook and MINE IS YOUR BLOG. You are hilarious. =)
Mama Birth said…
I love ya guys. You GET ME! Plus I really need compliments.
Cynthia said…
So very true! Says the 32 week pregnant mommy with three little ones running free all over the house while she takes brainless time on the computer...
Lani said…
I LOVE YOUR GUTS. I have, in fact, hallucinated while in a newborn-induced-sleep-deprivation. Unless, of course, there really was a ghost shaking my bed and waving the blankets all over. EEeek! Your t-shirt ideas... priceless. And the disclaimer at the end about spelling errors... genius. You are my hero.
Emily said…
Hilarious!! I will stop counting hours. Maybe. Last night: nurse; sleep; nurse; cry cry cry, binky, binky, cry, cry, nurse, sleep, car doors slamming, sleep, husband showers, sleep, 8 y.o. off to school, nurse...
Alisha Stamper said…
Oh my gosh. I laughed so hard my husband wanted to hear and we just busted our sides. Hilarious. We're still pretty deep in the adjustment of adding number 3 and oh man did we need this laugh. I've been at the suck in stomach place many many times. I live your blog and regularly recommend it to people.
Butterfly Den said…
Brought my newborn home and layed him down and thought "goodnight, time to get some shut eye before next feeding". I think my head just hit the pillow and the screaming started and he screamed nonstop with colic for four months...I tried everything called my grandma asking for home remedies and nothing helped. Now at one my son still doesn't sleep well and I've read those fancy books that never worked and finally just accepted I'm going to be in a sleep deprived state for at least a few more years it does make for some interesting moments my biggest issue is I can't remember things anymore so I have to write a list to go to the store just to remind me why I went there! Great post
Mommy Baby Spot said…
bwahahahahaha...I think I'm at the hallucination stage...and I want the t-shirt!
susie newday said…
Lol. If it's any consokation, it passes. Just about in time for you to get to menopause and have insomnia.
Dawn Marie said…
This totally cracked me up!!! At least you have an awesome sense of humor about it. Also, I think that those t-shirts would sell like hot cakes! I loved this entry so much that I had to make a reference to it in a blog entry I made yesterday. Thanks for the laughs!
Kristi said…
Yes! In my case instead of hallucinations, I have paranoia. I seriously honestly truly believe that my husband and daughter are plotting together to make sure I never sleep again. Really. I really believe this. It's a conspiracy.
cdnkaro said…
I am new to your blog-but am a new follower! Amen!! Loved this:)
Cindy Perez said…
Gosh...I have a 3mth old and live with my parents. Mom takes care of most dinners. I can't imagine having 2 kiddos!!! I can barely give my 2yr old doggie (who was like our 1st born) attention!!!
Kristin Cook said…
Oh my gosh, so true. Sleep deprivation isn't so bad if you just go with it! I passed the "lack of concentration" phase about three years ago. Then I hit the "absolutely no short-term memory" about two years ago. Now I've entered the "dreams vs reality" phase, where I'm not sure what happened the night before - if I dreamed it or it was real. I was surprised one morning to discover the blender wasn't broken, because I could remember breaking it. Really strange. You don't need weed - just have three kids in a row, stand back and see what happens to your mind!
Kristin Cook said…
Oh my gosh, so true. Sleep deprivation isn't so bad if you just go with it! I passed the "lack of concentration" phase about three years ago. Then I hit the "absolutely no short-term memory" about two years ago. Now I've entered the "dreams vs reality" phase, where I'm not sure what happened the night before - if I dreamed it or it was real. I was surprised one morning to discover the blender wasn't broken, because I could remember breaking it. Really strange. You don't need weed - just have three kids in a row, stand back and see what happens to your mind!
aniC said…
Thank you for changing my bad attitude about my severe sleep deprivation lately. I will no longer look at lack of sleep as a bad thing. I can now finally feel like I am hip with my grouchy, insane hallucinations.

SLEEP SUCKS!