Thursday, January 12, 2012

Care And Rules For Dealing With Women During A Full Moon

(From http://hudsonvalleygeologist.blogspot.com/2011_07_01_archive.html)



You may on occasion notice some strange behavior form the more gentle sex, or women as it were.  It has been brought to my attention that a clear and direct set of rules for dealing with women on a collective basis during times of full moon is badly needed.

Instructions are divided by category.

When dealing with women in the home-

A husband/partner must never utter the phrases:

"You are just like your mother."

"I don't think that fits you any more."

"Are my pants clean?"

"Where is dinner?" 

To be safe, just nod and smile.  Deviating from these SIMPLE guidelines may cause you to deservedly receive one of the following responses:

"You are just like YOUR FATHER!"  (Or mother, or both.  Whatever works.  Ladies, during any other time, going below the belt and insulting family is off color, but right now, totally understandable.)

"I got fat having YOUR babies!"  (I mean, really?   Just don't make comments about weight or clothing besides the tried and true, "That looks nice.")

"Put your clothes in the laundry and I will glady wash them for you!"  (That is why there is a hamper in every room.  Do you need a map?)

"Would you like me to show you where I WANT to put it?"

-Moving on-

When dealing with other women in online forums:
It would be wise just to suspend internet use during full moons.  However, seeing as this might merit the appocolypse, here are some tips for dealing with one another online when it is not avoidable.  

Never TOUCH the topics listed below-

Co-sleeping
Vaccinations
Cry-it-out
Home Birth
Breastfeeding
Epidurals
Home School
Beyonce (Yeah, this one came out of left field for me too.  She is a singer who dared pro-create.  I had to Google it too.)
Did I mention circumcision?  Silly me.

Bringing up the above topics may elicit responses like the following:
"If you loved your children you would.............."
"My children come first so I...................."
"I was educated so I made........................choice."
"I only did that when I didn't know any better."
"That is abusive!  Can't you see that?!"
"Don't you do any research?"
"Yes my kids are socialized!"
"She is stupid/mean/lazy/spoiled/etc"
(For ease of use, responses are interchangeable.)

Consider yourself warned.  The moon becomes full on a fairly regular basis.  Feel free to check your calendar for the next event.

(Disclaimer-
I can write on this topic because I am totally in control of my emotions.  I did not tell a total stranger who lived on the other side of the world yesterday that she was "not nice" and "not helping anybody."  And if I did I am sure it was totally justified.

The next person to suggest that I take more B Vitamins/Prozac/anti-anxiety medication will be shot on sight. )











6 comments:

Ingrid said...

oh this cracks me up. In terms of the online thing, I totally saw that coming with the full moon recently, the online threads blew up! oh boy!

Jessica Austin, Birth Doula said...

You are hilarious. Just sayin'.

Mama Birth said...

I know, right? Why doesn't everybody think I am hilarious?

Ingrid said...

I'm disappointed in the lack of comments on this post, where is people's sense of humor haha.

AmberLou said...

You've inspired me. I am drawing my husband a map to the hamper. Also to the trash can. :)

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