This story really touched me for some reason. It just took me back to the pain and the joy of my own births. This mamas words are so powerful. Read it all and....
To tell the story of little B's birth, I need to start with the story of her big brother, J, and the day he was born. J's birth was very traumatic for me. While at the time I didn't really realize how much his birth affected me, I knew it left me not ever wanting to have any more children- I swore I would never go through that again. Thankfully this is a story of healing and truth, and not one of being overcome by that fear.
We all want to trust in our caregivers. I think this trust may be an underlying issue of why so many women today are having so many interventions in their births: we send ourselves down the path our caregivers lay out for us, because we trust they know what is best for us.
When I was pregnant with J, I did the typical things to prepare for my first baby. I did the registries, I read What to Expect While Your Expecting and all sorts of glossy pregnancy magazines. Where we lived, there was only one women's care practice and it was 48 miles away down off a mountain road. There was no decision in your caregiver or hospital, it was just where you went. I met the midwife on staff there and liked her, so I continued to see her for my prenatal visits. When it came time to schedule my final visit, I said I'd really like to see her for the appointment. The nurse told me I couldn't see her for my final appointment and I would need to see an OB. That OB scheduled me for induction two days after my due date, promising it let us "be home in time for Christmas". Unfortunately, I had no idea of the dangers of inductions- and there were no medical indications of needing induction.
I was induced with misoprostol, which the doctor promised was very safe. At the time, we had never heard of it, and we trusted the doctors to do what was best. What had promised to be an exciting, thrilling day where we were welcoming our first baby turned into misery and fear. My water broke and terribly strong contractions began less than 45 minutes after the dose of misoprostol. My plan, to labor on a birth ball, and in the tub, was quickly rejected by the OB, and he began pushing for pain management. Because they had given me an IV, they gave me Nubain, which I hadn't been completely sure about taking. I had a terrible reaction to it, passing out almost immediately. Despite it causing me to black out and feeling as if I was nearly unconscious, I still felt everything. Mind numbingly painful contractions, extremely strong and on top of each other, were putting J into distress. After an epidural, and nearly four hours of pushing, J was born by vacuum extraction and was immediately taken for resuscitation. The room was silent for many minutes while they worked on J, and my first glimpse of him was of a photo on my mother's digital camera after I pleaded to know what was going on.
I know a lot of mothers have said the ultimate insult is being told 'all that matters is that they got a healthy baby', and I completely understand why they would feel this way. I was so thankful J was OK, but at the time I still had no idea how many of the issues arose from the actual induction. I thought this must be what birth is always like, and couldn't imagine why people would ever go through with it- let alone more than once. Even worse, I thought I must be really terrible at giving birth.
Fast forward to the day we discovered B would be joining us. I was elated, but I also cried, knowing the end result of pregnancy would be birth. I've always been a very self confrontational person, so I began questioning why it was like that. There had to be a better way!
I began to gather all the information I could find. Thankfully, I discovered a number of resources for what birth really can be. I learned about the natural process of birth, how and why things happen and more importantly, how to learn how to trust ourselves to give birth. I felt as if a giant weight had been lifted off of me, which I had carried since J was born. In the beginning I was seeing an OB for little B and our prenatals, but as the weeks ticked by and the more I learned, I began to search for a midwife. The hospital where I would most likely deliver had one midwife on staff out of the 12 or so OB's. And at a hospital with a 39% c-section rate, I couldn't see risking seeing her. There'd be no guarantee of midwifery care once we got there. An alternative hospital had a lower rate of 28%- better but not good enough for me.
I luckily stumbled upon a small freestanding birth center nearby my home. My sister and I went for a tour, and I felt like I had come home when I was there. I knew immediately it would be where I would give birth. At almost 28 weeks, I transferred to the wonderful midwives and never looked back. This pregnancy was a breeze, easy and with no issues. I was happy and at peace with myself and what my body was meant to do. I finally learned to trust myself and to trust childbirth.
I went into the shower, sitting on my yoga ball under the hot water, talking with my sister vibrantly and then quieting each time a wave of pressure came over me. She called the midwife to update her, but left the room to talk to her. Little did I know she told the midwife I was in the shower and "did not want to come out"! "Time to go!" My sister M said, matter of factly. This folks, is why I asked her to be there that day. That, along with her immense sense of humor, and innate ability to read me better than anyone else in the world, next to DH of course.
I dawdled, while DH and M went about packing things into the car. With DH's military past, he had the car packed and running within what seemed like seconds, while I was upstairs brushing my teeth and q-tipping my ears. M gave me a lot of grief about worrying about these things "at a time like this", but I reminded her, I was in no hurry, and imagine hugging me during a contraction and me having awful breath! It was wonderful to have this different attitude towards birth. I put full trust into myself, and knew it would all happen as it was supposed to. We finally loaded into the car, and wound up stuck behind a police officer on a back road with a 25 mph speed limit almost the entire way. This was a blessing, of course, because it was the only way DH would kept himself in control with me 'in labor' in the front seat!
We arrived at the birth center around 5 pm, and I asked to be checked. This was the only time I was checked. I had scolded DH not to empty out the car until after I was checked- what if I was a 2 or 3? I'd be wanting to go home! Low and behold, I was a 5 1/2, with a bulging, leaking bag of fluids. Needless to say, I was not going anywhere, even if it had been up to me at the time. (: I spent the next few hours walking and in the shower. It was so wonderful to have M there to keep the mood light- we were laughing and joking the entire time. I labored much of the time in the birthing tub, until I had a few very intense waves of tightening. I told the midwife apprentice "I don't have a nicer way of saying this, but I kind of felt like my ass was going to fall off with that one". She laughed and told me she likes it when moms say that. I suddenly felt a very intense urge to use the bathroom, practically jumping up in the tub and grabbing a towel at the same time, between contractions, and almost ran to the bathroom slamming the door behind me. My Midwife knocked on the door and said it was okay to be in there but please don't lock the door!! I was shivering and shaking, sitting on the toilet, very clearly in transition. I actually had the wherewithal to tell myself that's what was going on! I labored through some some very intense contractions, supporting myself on the wall and breathing as calmly as I could.
Finally I felt as though I could come out- besides there was no more toilet paper and I was having a lot of very red bloody shreds of show. I made it to the doorway when 'the mother of all contractions' hit me, and all I could do was drop to my knees. DH tried to catch me as if I was falling and I said No no, please let me down! its alright!! I was completely blocking the doorway- the MW and Apprentice were running out the other bathroom door, down the little hallway and into the birthing room to grab extra supplies. Never did they even suggest moving. And suddenly my body began pushing- just as so many others have described it as a 'throwing down' instead of throwing up. They gave me a birthing ball to lean on, and after just a few pushes holding DH's hands, leaning on the ball and on my knees, I pushed my daughter out. I only once said something while pushing, whispering "oh! it burns!". My MW told me to just let my body stretch and let go, and then suddenly she was saying she was going to hand my daughter to me through my knees. I was just so amazed at how surreal the entire experience had been. There she was, perfect and beautiful, and I had trusted in myself to let her come as she had been meant to.
B was born at 8:55 pm, on August 4th, 2011. I held her immediately, letting the cord pulse, in the doorway of the birthing room. After delivering the placenta, they helped us move to the bed, where we were able to settle in together and nurse for the first time. The apprentice MW made me scrambled eggs, a whole grain waffle, and a gigantic glass of iced OJ- and I have to say this was the most delicious meal I have ever eaten (and that's saying a lot, I went to culinary school and have worked and dined in many fine dining restaurants). Later she was weighed and examined, and announced perfect. Her apgars were 10 and 10. After resting for a bit, we were cleared to go home when we were ready, and decided we'd take advantage and sleep in our own bed- so we were home by midnight. I really felt fantastic, on top of the world. Talk about a birth high!! How wonderful!
B's birth has been hugely transformative for me. Every child one has, one's life is changed. I had no idea though, how much giving birth could change my life as well. In childbirth I have found a new passion I know will help shape our family's future somehow, whether I just share my story or I pursue a career like becoming a doula or midwife. I do know wherever I go from here, there are other mothers out there in the world needing to be healed and needing to know the truth of what birth can be like, and if this story reaches just one, its one step in the right direction.