Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Hey You! Pre-Kid Woman- There Are A Few Things I Need To Tell You

Hey you!  Yeah you- Mama Birth but before the Mama and the Birth.  I have something to say to you.   There are a few things that you as a pre- kid woman should know before you have kids.  Some of my advice from future me may seem strange.  Just go with it.   

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1) Go bra-less at least once to a party before you have kids.  You won't understand why NOW- but you will later.  The thing is, you should really appreciate breasts that hold themselves up while you have the chance.  This in fact does not last forever.  I will just send pre-kid Mama a fax of what they look like now, that should explain it.

2)  When you are in Costco and you hear a toddler age child screaming at the top of their lungs, do not, I repeat DO NOT make any comments about their parents parenting ability.  It will come back to haunt you.  And you will eat crow.

3)  Buy more shoes.  I know you think you are broke because you are in school or your husband is in school but you are NOT broke...YET.  You will look back and think you were rolling in the dough someday.  Except when that someday comes around, you won't have any cute shoes.  BUT- if you buy them now, you can still wear them then.  Focus on a few pairs of cute walking shoes, (I like leather Merrill's, with that cute toe cover) and definitely a few pairs of heels.  I am thinking something sassy and red and something in animal print.  Oh, and buy them in a half size larger than you wear now.  Oh- don't forget BOOTS- brown and black.  Nice quality, because quality shoes are worth it. 


4)  Do not try to guilt trip your boyfriend/fiance into getting you that nice platinum engagement ring with the perfect diamond.  Here is the thing.  Someday it A) it won't fit you  B) will be cut off your finger  and C) sit in a drawer.  Instead, take the money, invest it so you can use it later to pay for your home births.  Romance is overrated- at least in the metal form.  The people you are trying to impress, won't even know you in ten years.

5)  Don't worry so much about being important and doing something impressive before you have kids.  Your priorities will shift completely after they come and you will realize what really matters and what you really care about. (Not shoes, other stuff.) Suddenly, things will be clear.  That being said, travel more and don't be afraid to step outside of your comfort zone.

6)  Put breakable stuff up higher.  Or just put it in storage.  The child will not listen.  They may in fact not be capable of listening when they are one year of age.  So, rather than getting frustrated when all your nice stuff is crushed/destroyed/and otherwise rendered unrecognizable, just childproof.  It is not a waste of time.  Oh, and if you decide NOT to childproof, don't stress out about the tattered and eaten and torn video tape covers.  Video is on the way out.

7)  While apartment living (Why do they have white carpet in the dining room?  I do not know.  Maybe they hate people and want carpet deposits back?!)  spend the money on another carpet to go UNDER the table.  It will be worth it.  REALLY WORTH IT.  Did you know that an apartment can charge about 700 dollars to replace a ruined carpet?  They can.

8)  When people tell you to sleep when baby sleeps they are not blowing smoke.  Sleep When Baby Sleeps!  Do it!  You will think, " I need to do such and such..." but you don't.  Complete lack of sleep will turn you into a raving lunatic.  A Crazy Town, capital C, lunatic.  Sleep when the baby sleeps.  And when people offer to help, don't say that you are fine.  Take it.

9)  Don't bother taking your skinny jeans with you to the hospital.  You can not wear them home.  BUT- if you work hard, eat right, and exercise you will wear them again.  Just not home from the hospital.  So- be a little easier on yourself and your body.  It takes time to gain baby weight and it takes time to lose it.  Growing a baby is hard work and so is looking like you aren't STILL growing a baby.  Have fun with it- babies like squashy mamas anyway.

10)  Invent a peri bottle that holds about a liter of water.  A peri bottle is something you spray "down there" with after you have had a baby.  And the one they give you- it is not big enough.  Invent it now and you will be both rich and have more comfortable bowel movements post baby.

Of course if I had more time and more sentimentality I would throw in a few tidbits about enjoying all the shining moments, discovering fly lady, and not worrying about a little jaundice- but I don't have more time.  I have four kids.

Peace out mamas- 


What would you tell your pre-kid self?

19 comments:

Gombojav Tribe said...

Seven kids later....

I would tell myself to read books, but to trust my intuition.

And to enjoy all that pretty, lacy underwear. Because the big and ugly cotton granny panty was coming.

Jessi said...

#4 is totally true for me and #10 is a great idea! A must-have!

Unknown said...

I would have told my pre-kid self to get educated and find a midwife. And, not to rely on my mother for knowledge and advice.

FabulousMamaChronicles said...

If I could go back in time and tell my pre-baby self something it would be to get all decked out everyday for a single week and go out with my friends dancing because that has not happened since baby came along two years ago. And I love dancing. And showering regularly.

Landrie said...

I give my pre-baby self KUDOS for going topless on the beach while on my honeymoon. I'd never EVER had the nerve to do it before, but I did it then and I'm so glad I did..... I got pregnant that week (probably, in part, due to the toplessness but that's neither here nor there) and now my breasts are just sad looking. I am so glad I flaunted them, even just that one time, while I still could.

Andygirl said...

Having a baby doesn't have to mean you say goodbye to being attractive, wearing sexy things, having a nice body.......... it's possible to be a mom and keep your identity as a woman and whatever else you were prior to having children. It doesn't have to be an extreme either or thing......not for most of us anyway.

youngsjess said...

No, of course having a baby doesn't mean you aren't attractive. Or don't get to wear sexy things or have a nice body. But *most* women's boobs don't continue to defy gravity after having babies LOL. That phase ought to be more appreciated! I sometimes look back and think "Damn, why did I even wear a bra back then?!" My boobs are certainly not "ruined", as some women say. but I'd be lying if I said they were the same as they were when I was 22.

And those hot leopard heels? They suck to carry around a 20-pounder in. I'd tell my pre-baby self to wear them everywhere LOL. Hell, go grocery shopping in a cocktail dress! Milk it! Because when you shop with a toddler, it's really inconvenient to have to wonder what's showing back there when you have to bend over to put their shoe back on in the cereal aisle LOL.

There are times and places for it all, but those times and places are definitely more plentiful before ya have little ones.

Mama Birth said...

Sheesh Andygirl- it was supposed to be a fun post. Of course you can- but it isn't quite the same.

Landrie said...

Mama Birth, all I could think when I read AndyGirl's comment was "there's one in every bunch."

Rachel @ Lautaret Bohemiet said...

I'm with Landrie. Great post, Mama Birth! It really was a fun post. :)

I can understand why Andygirl said what she said, to an extent (but not because of your post particularly). I have read a lot of blogs lately where "loving our bodies" seems to have taken on a life of its own. The blog are usually written by larger (still pretty!) women who haven't lost baby weight, and maybe aren't even trying. Rather than try to lose weight, most of them decide to be empowered (that's what it's called, I think) and just accept their new bodies. This worries me from a health standpoint, but I can see why women are doing it. They're railing against the 90lb supermodels who seem to be setting the standard in our culture.

Anyways, this post wasn't about that! But when I read Andygirl's comment, I immediately thought about some of those blogposts and I wonder if she feels the way I do sometimes, that women are making excuses for themselves (post-babies) rather than just working hard and making changes (if they want to make changes).

Anyways, I loved this post!

Mama Birth said...

I see that too- the kind of "love the chubby me" thing. It isn't something I do- I work my butt off (literally) to get back in shape. But some things have been let go because of time, money, and realistically- the body just isn't the same as it was at sixteen, kids or not.

Tonya said...

I would take vacations with my husband and not worry about spending the money. Because you might not get to go again for 20 years!

Paala said...

I totally loved this post! It was seriously laugh out loud funny. I read most of my husband, who of course didn't get the ring, shoe, or bra parts, but liked the Costco and sleep advice (though we are both ignoring that one right now). I might also tell my pre-baby self to invent a hip maternity wear shop where ALL of the clothes are nursing friendly. And then I'd have millions of dollars for all those things I can't afford now. Like more cute heels that I cannot wear with two kids under 2. Sigh.

Thanks for the fab post!

The Rhea's said...

Great post Mama Birth! Love it! I will have to tell myself to do these things more often! And Landrie, I am so jealous! I will have to do that some day before baby comes :)

Courtney said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mama melis said...

I would thank myself for looking deep into my partners eyes and savoring the quiet bottle of wine we shared, and the late night conversations we use to have. I am so happy that I took the time to build up our relationship before we created 2 beings. There is no "I" in team, and boy, am I grateful that I have a fantastic team mate on this parenthood thing! Great post!

Lani said...

LOVE. The boobs. Oh the boobs.... And the lack of sleep lunacy... yes.

Jolene said...

I'd most likely tell myself to sleep more, thank my own parents more, and listen better as a child. I'd also tell myself to hide my jewelry in a jewelry box under lock and key after kiddos... My very expensive engagement ring got lost. Outside. During one of my dd's tantrums... Never to be found again :(

Lucy Madeline said...

Wow this was really profound for me. I'm not having a baby for a few more years, and I really appreciated four and five. Like really really. And all the advice from other mothers. I'm trying to understand that my life and my identity won't stop after I have a baby. I can still accomplish things, achieve goals and make something of my life and self. The fact that this might become more clear after having a baby is remarkable. Thanks ladies!

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