Mom: The Resume


Mama Birth
1114 Crazy Town
Phone 808-974-1111

Skills:
Multitasking, conflict resolution, planning, healing, feeding, negotiation, recreation, toddler wrestling

Past Work Experience:
-Cleaning poop off of glitter shoes without removing glitter
-Washing sheets thrice weekly without nervous breakdown
-Kept four kids alive for the past 6 years
-Successfully removed blackberry stains from brand new birthday shirt (no yelling involved)

Items of note
:
-Once made a return at Walmart with four kids, no cart, no yelling AND no security called (all involved survived the ordeal)
-Capable of going long periods of time with little or no food and while foregoing bathroom breaks.
-Also important to note, when a bathroom break is afforded, capable of taking said break with child in lap and three others "watching" while negotiating hostile takeover attempt by 6 year old brother directed at 4 year old sister.

Applicable extra experience
:
-Can feed large groups with mostly food storage, foraged food, and gardened food.
-Performs well under extreme pressure (read, 9+pounds of pressure barreling down internal "parts")
-Mind reading
-High pressure sales
-Not fearful of large amounts of blood- self or others
-Can touch bodily fluids or wear clothes for long periods of time which are covered in vomit/feces/urine etc.

Position desired:
-Non-profit
-Character Building
-Long term position (read=forever)
-Looks of horror/amazement optional, but not required
-Time off= rarely needed (will accept a good book or lonely potty break as vacation)

Comments

Anonymous said…
Love it!
Cynthia said…
Still giggling...so true!
Hilarious. Will have to tell the wife to read this one if she hasn't already. :)
Anonymous said…
I loved this! A great way to capture all the glorious work we do each day.
PS I just shared a link to it with my readers yesterday. Hope a few people stop by for a great read.
Cheers!