As I have come closer to the end of this pregnancy I realize I just don't have much to say. Maybe it is harder to give advice, council and thoughts on birth when your own birth is looming ever presently on the horizon. Maybe the preparations for said birth take up too much time and thought to think much about trivial things like a blog. Maybe I realize that this is also just not a time of life where I can handle much negative feedback or criticism, which makes blogging a little scary.
So, no advice today, just my own thoughts on how I will possibly make it through this.
I admit to being scared. I have given birth three times without medications. I have "taught" (as much as you could ever endeavor to do such a thing) dozens of couples how to do the same. And yet, as I approach my own "due date" I am worried.
Each birth is so different. And, though there are things I know about birth and about myself now that I didn't know with my first, there are still fears. There is still an unknown element. How will it go? What will it feel like? How long will it take? Will I be able to handle it? And that is just the beginning! When I start thinking about life AFTER the birth, with a new baby....it just boggles my mind. People have been telling me for months that I am going to have my hands full, and now I am starting to panic (just a little, mind you) because I don't KNOW how I am going to handle it.
Somebody asked me the other day why I looked so "uncomfortable" or something along those lines.
I have gained about 50 pounds. I have a human head lodged in my pelvis. I honestly have not slept that well in about seven years and I am (despite my protests) no longer in my 20's. Yes, I am a little uncomfortable.
Last week I was feeling a little sorry for myself. I had poison oak all over my arms, bronchitis (again) and all of a sudden it felt like this baby was taking a nose dive towards the outside world.
(I actually have a theory about this. I really believe that you only go into labor when you are so uncomfortable that you are actually willing to go through the intensity of childbirth. And then your body makes you wait another week or two so that you are REALLY ready. It seems that mother nature has a sense of humour. Isn't the natural process beautiful?!)
Despite all that though, I know that pregnancy is wonderful. In the moments where I manage to step outside myself and my own self pity, (yes, it does happen) I realize how blessed I am. I am so grateful to have my children. I am grateful for this new baby, despite my fears about my actual ability to be good mom. I am grateful to be able to bring life into the world.
This is really a pretty amazing thing, isn't it? A true everyday miracle, played out in my own body.
So, to those who think I look like I am "about to pop" or "have twins" or who think I "really look miserable," I must say this:
I have moments of misery- yes. There will be more in the next few weeks. I prefer the term uncomfortable though, because people telling me I look miserable has the unique side effect of actually making me feel more miserable. But overall I am happy, grateful and blessed. I am TRYING to recognize the good in this and see the miracle. Yes, sometimes it seems that that "miracle" must be located on the underside of my belly and is thus impossible to see without a strategically placed mirror- but it is still there.
Be patient with me and my body and my moods and the unknown timing of birth and babies and creation. I will appreciate it.
" Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women." Sheri Dew