Sunday, May 15, 2011

I Am Uncomfortable


As I have come closer to the end of this pregnancy I realize I just don't have much to say. Maybe it is harder to give advice, council and thoughts on birth when your own birth is looming ever presently on the horizon. Maybe the preparations for said birth take up too much time and thought to think much about trivial things like a blog. Maybe I realize that this is also just not a time of life where I can handle much negative feedback or criticism, which makes blogging a little scary.

So, no advice today, just my own thoughts on how I will possibly make it through this.

I admit to being scared. I have given birth three times without medications. I have "taught" (as much as you could ever endeavor to do such a thing) dozens of couples how to do the same. And yet, as I approach my own "due date" I am worried.

Each birth is so different. And, though there are things I know about birth and about myself now that I didn't know with my first, there are still fears. There is still an unknown element. How will it go? What will it feel like? How long will it take? Will I be able to handle it? And that is just the beginning! When I start thinking about life AFTER the birth, with a new baby....it just boggles my mind. People have been telling me for months that I am going to have my hands full, and now I am starting to panic (just a little, mind you) because I don't KNOW how I am going to handle it.

~

Somebody asked me the other day why I looked so "uncomfortable" or something along those lines.

Seriously?

I have gained about 50 pounds. I have a human head lodged in my pelvis. I honestly have not slept that well in about seven years and I am (despite my protests) no longer in my 20's. Yes, I am a little uncomfortable.

Last week I was feeling a little sorry for myself. I had poison oak all over my arms, bronchitis (again) and all of a sudden it felt like this baby was taking a nose dive towards the outside world.

(I actually have a theory about this. I really believe that you only go into labor when you are so uncomfortable that you are actually willing to go through the intensity of childbirth. And then your body makes you wait another week or two so that you are REALLY ready. It seems that mother nature has a sense of humour. Isn't the natural process beautiful?!)

Despite all that though, I know that pregnancy is wonderful. In the moments where I manage to step outside myself and my own self pity, (yes, it does happen) I realize how blessed I am. I am so grateful to have my children. I am grateful for this new baby, despite my fears about my actual ability to be good mom. I am grateful to be able to bring life into the world.

This is really a pretty amazing thing, isn't it? A true everyday miracle, played out in my own body.

So, to those who think I look like I am "about to pop" or "have twins" or who think I "really look miserable," I must say this:

I have moments of misery- yes. There will be more in the next few weeks. I prefer the term uncomfortable though, because people telling me I look miserable has the unique side effect of actually making me feel more miserable. But overall I am happy, grateful and blessed. I am TRYING to recognize the good in this and see the miracle. Yes, sometimes it seems that that "miracle" must be located on the underside of my belly and is thus impossible to see without a strategically placed mirror- but it is still there.

Be patient with me and my body and my moods and the unknown timing of birth and babies and creation. I will appreciate it.

" Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women." Sheri Dew

10 comments:

mad about him!!! said...

i completely understand...i am due in 3-7 weeks with #5 and i am TERRIFIED and UNCOMFORTABLE (miserable) and someone said to me a month ago, wow, you're done in a couple weeks aren't you? and when i told them it could be the end of june they gave me SUCH a sad look and said they were sorry for me...like i am not sorry enough for myself!!! thank you for making me think about the big picture, and not the moment to moment ick of the everyday!!!1 luck and love to you!

Katie said...

You're at that turning-inward stage.

I never got to that soooo uncomfortable stage with my first. With the second, I was there practically the whole time! And yet, #2 isn't 5m (she will be tomorrow), and I'm having trouble with the pigwantbabylust again...

The Stewarts said...

Natural childbirth is a time when you must turn inward to find the strength to endure the anxiety leading up to and the pain during the birth of your child. It requires you to tap into that reservoir of fortitude that is not typically required on a daily basis. I think that is where you are at right now. You are starting to feel that all the superficial is kind of taking a backseat to the impending birth. You start to peel away the layers of what is and isn't important. Right now, the biggest thing you need to do is be strong for your birth. There is nothing wrong with becoming more pensive and serious. You are involved in a sacred task, which is the safe arrival of a new human being. Its like you are personally travelling to the gates of heaven to escort this precious soul to his/her earthly existence. Don't apologize for being scared. Its part of the natural process, and it is all a beautiful thing. If you didn't have the fear and worry, then you wouldn't appreciate the whole, wondrous miracle of the birth of your baby.

Mara said...

Thank you for sharing this...I'm about to give birth any day and have some fears that remain even though this will be my third birth. This one is throwing me for a loop. First 2 labors were long and hard. I expect the same since this weekend we thought for sure we were in labor and nothing ever evolved. Having intermittent contractions still and wondering when baby will choose to come. Knowing other women feel the same is very helpful! I preach all about the wonders of natural birth yet I still have fear...

Rosie said...

What a coincidence that in my third pregnancy (27 years ago) I too had a horrible case of poison oak when I was 8 mos. pregnant and I too had bronchitis at the end. I too was scared...but at least I knew that I was finally having a homebirth! Thank you for being real and not blogging. Thank you for allowing this fleeting (okay it seems to be dragging...crawling) miracle the honor and time and attention that it deserves. When you are my age, an old crone, you will remember the baby bubble days and the babymoon days with deep satisfaction...even the days I fed my 4yo PB&J for dinner because I was learning to mother three (Hint start dinner at 3PM - baby may be latched from 5-8PM). Many hugs, much love and blessings to you today and the days ahead. May this baby's birth be just as your heart desires.

Kim Hanson said...

Thank you for sharing and for being vulnerable enough to say how you're feeling. I hope it's okay that I share this, both as an encouragement to others and to empathize with them.

Shell's Space said...

I thank you also for sharing. I enjoy reading your blogs. I think it's neat that your belly button isn't sticking out, mine did at 4 or 5 months preg. this time, I thought it was kinda funny. (I am due in 4 weeks with my 3rd)

I am sorry that you are uncomfortable and that anyone would tell you that. Just think of how long it's been and how close to the end you are! You have done this before, you can do it again and you will do good!

I love babies, they are so precious!

Shell's Space said...

I thank you also for sharing. I enjoy reading your blogs. I think it's neat that your belly button isn't sticking out, mine did at 4 or 5 months preg. this time, I thought it was kinda funny. (I am due in 4 weeks with my 3rd)

I am sorry that you are uncomfortable and that anyone would tell you that. Just think of how long it's been and how close to the end you are! You have done this before, you can do it again and you will do good!

I love babies, they are so precious!

Erin said...

Thank you for posting this! I have felt so guilty that I am uncomfortable and checked out. With my first I was happy as a clam for 40 weeks- no heartburn, nausea, pelvic discomfort... This pregnancy couldn't be more different. I have a few weeks left to go, and I am so ready to have this baby! I am so uncomfortable. My pelvis feels like it is literally going to fall apart at any second. And I have felt guilty for not wanting a baby shower, but I am just in hibernation mode. It makes me feel so much better knowing that there is nothing wrong with me for feeling this way, and it doesn't mean I don't appreciate this miracle.

Tiffany said...

I needed to read this today. I'm 36 weeks and so very uncomfortable. I feel bad for my husband because I know all I do is moan and complain. Everything hurts and it's hard to carry all this extra weight. And I don't remember it being so hard the first time (at least this early, I do remember feeling pretty crappy around 41 weeks). I feel so close and yet so far away. But I'm trying really hard to stay positive and know that baby is coming soon.

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