It Is Hard To Be A Good Liar When You Have Kids

Children. They make you laugh, they make you cry. They keep you honest, especially when they are too little to understand the things adults leave out.

~During my visit with my midwife with my two daughters in attendance, and of course AFTER I was weighed and found to have packed on 42!! (~no that is not a typo~) pounds, my three year old asks if we can go get donuts. I looked at her like she was crazy and mumbled something about how "Of course not, I don't eat like that...." My midwife mentioned that maybe I should have a snack with a little more protein and a little less sugar in it. Yes I know better. And yes, I still tried to attribute my weight gain to the fact that I am now in my 30's.

~My six year old mentions in front of other people that I wept over the washing machine when it stopped working. The truth is I actually prayed that it would come back to life properly. Yes, I prayed for a washing machine. I would like the world to believe that I handle life's bumps and bruises with dignity and grace.....But in fact, I cry when household appliances break down. Especially when I need to do a load of towels.

~I have no idea why the 20 month old can say cookie so well. Really. Her grandmother must have taught her that. It wasn't me.

~Fast food is evil. All of it. But McDonald's of course holds the world's biggest offender award for millions served and super sized. Then why, oh why, do my kids scream "McDonald's!!!! Can we get ice-cream?" every time we drive by. Ummm, excuse me, I am trying to appear crunchy here kids. Maybe I will just have to roll up the windows when we go by so that nobody can hear their yelps of joy and desire.

~This doesn't really count as my kids outing my bad behaviour, but I would have never in a hundred years left the house without a shower a few years ago. I have to admit that a few times this school year, hung over (not from alcohol, but from pregnancy/poorly sleeping toddler business) I took my son to school with NO SHOWER. I was wearing scrubs and a sweat shirt. I put on a jacket so nobody knew that I didn't take the time for a bra. I actually left without brushing my TEETH! Yes. This is true. Hello world, this is what I look like in the morning! This is honestly me! You can all feel a little better about yourselves now because I think I have lost all self respect and personal standards. You're welcome.

~I am now more honest about my hair color. I am currently all natural. Yes, that is brown hair you see. I have always felt it a cruel act of nature that I was not blessed with blond hair as my skin tone so obviously prefers. But, for now, I have given up on all false pretenses to the desire that was not meant to be for me. The hair is natural. It is brown. It might actually be a little more attractive without the three inches of roots that that kept cropping up anyway.

~Children, please stop telling your grandparents what I say about them behind their backs. That is private. I don't gossip. We wouldn't want them to think that, now would we?

~For the record, I DID NOT let the six year old watch Iron Man 2. His father "might" have been privy to this but I had nothing to do with it. Plus, there is NO WAY it is his favorite movie. I really wish he would stop telling people that. Especially at his Waldorf school where the list of ten deadly sins begins with: 1. media (followed by 2. sugar). The teacher might stop believing me when I talk about how little television the kids watch (really, I try to limit it to one movie a week, I SWEAR!) if this keeps being mentioned.

~Kids even make it difficult to delude oneself. Must they really burst my "I am just voluptuous" bubble every time I bend over and they erupt into hysterics because "We can see your butt mama!" Alright, I admit. I am growing out of the maternity jeans. Don't rub it in!

~It is probably a little less than cute when we see somebody smoking and the kids all point and say things like, "Look, a smoker! That is bad for your body and spirit. I will never do that." For the record, I have nothing against smokers. I just don't want my kids to do it. Shhhhh kids. It is a hard habit to break.

At least I still have the internet, where I can strive for the appearance of wisdom, grace, and of course, only post pictures of myself from ten years ago.


JakenMattsMom said…
This is great, I can relate to most of it!

Just smile at the end of the day (after you eventually brush your teeth-which I can Definitly relate to! lol) That's what I do!
Living Lavallee said…
I walked in on my kids praying (kneeling down and everything) to find the Pokemon game (for the game cube). For the record, when I am around, they only get to play it when their chores and homework are done, and their rooms clean... so they pretty much never qualify - but Dad lets them a lot more often... They love to point out every smoker, too, and half the men in Korea smoke.
Alisha Stamper said…
oh my gosh. i laughed out loud, and it is late and I could have woken up the baby, that is how funny this is to me.

I've only gotten some of that so far, my oldest is 3, but I know its coming. Egads!
Anonymous said…
Oh this is brilliant XD
kellymseow said…
Love this! I have been sitting here laughing the whole way through (always a little strange feeling when you're in a room by yourself). :)

One morning a month or so ago my husband informed me that we were out of coffee...imagine how shocked he was when I just started bawling! (I totally get crying over the washing machine...).

Looks like I'm going to have to start being more careful when my kid gets a little older ;).
One and Doll said…
Thank you for this post. . .there is WAY too much mama/child stuff on the internet that is dreamy, happy, fantasy life-ish. Life online need to be real too! So thank you for sharing the ups and the DOWNS..
This was the best read that I have had in a LONG LONG time. Thanks for this.
Anonymous said…
Yep, you're awesome. I can totally relate to most of this. Dang kids, always outing mama! lol Thanks for the laughs!
Just admit it, you let them watch Iron Man, the Dark Knight, and V for Vendetta. Naughty, naughty. Funny post!