Monday, April 25, 2011
I May Be A Hypocrite, But I Am In Good Company
Hypocrisy. Everybody hates it. Except me.
I consider myself a hypocrite. It isn't something I am proud of, but I don't think I am alone in being one, so at least the company is good.
Here is the thing. In life I am striving for perfection. I will never get there. But when you are shooting for perfection (awesome wife, patient mom, loving daughter, amazing member of my church, healthy eater, etc) hypocrisy is inevitable. When perfection is the standard, hypocrisy just comes along for the ride.
I believe in being humble, kind, slow to anger, understanding, loving and basically wonderful in every way. I want to and know I should be a fantastic Christian woman.
In reality, I have a temper. I get angry at people. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes I get so irritated that I forget that I am supposed to be loving and kind because I am so sure that I am right and person X needs me to set them straight.
I love the Brewer diet. I talk about all the benefits and the perfect way to do it in every class. I tell people no sweets, healthy protein, no white flour or junk food, lots of fruits and vegetables.
I really mean it- but I feel like a total tool when I am teaching when I am pregnant and I am having a weird donut binge phase so serious that my children yelp with joy when we go to the grocery store and they see those beautiful, tiny, glistening glass doors filled with puffy white deep fried, sugar soaked goodness......
No it doesn't stop there:
I adore my kids. They are the best thing in my life. They have given me my passion for birth and motherhood and all the things that matter.
But sometimes I get so wrapped up in telling the world how important all this birth and motherhood stuff is that I let my own beauties run amuck or I just don't notice some of the precious moments because I am so wrapped up writing about life that I don't live it.
More! It's true:
I swear by the pregnancy exercises. You know, pelvic rocking, squatting, daily exercise, Kegels, etc. I know they make a big difference in labor and birth and physical preparation.
At the end of the day though, it is pretty dang hard to kneel and do 200 pelvic rocks. Or walking a mile or two each day when pregnant with your fourth baby! Oh my gosh, you don't know what pressure is until you have done this. Can everything just fall out? It seems possible.
But I am not apologetic. I want to strive for perfection in my life, in my roles, in my religion. I want to always be shooting for something that is greater than I can ever really reach. Striving is important for life. The opposite is seems to be apathy. I don't want to be apathetic. I don't want to stop caring and I don't want to be fine with mediocre. I don't want to never disappoint myself just because I never set the bar above what I could reach. It might feel better in the short run, but in the long run I will fall short of what I could have done.
If that makes me a hypocrite, then I can live with that. One thing I know I can't live with is never bothering to try. Plus, I don't mind the company. Sometimes I hear people say things about how religious people or natural parenting people don't fit just how they should into a certain mold. They don't like them because they are hypocrites. But I love being surrounded by other people who are not afraid to strive for more than they can reach. It is fine with me if they screw up and live below their own standards. I know they are trying. I know they have their own weakness and trials. I hope they can forgive me for mine.
(And yes, I realize that no matter how much I would like to believe that the Cadbury cream eggs I ate for breakfast somehow fulfilled my Brewer diet egg requirement, it just will never be.)