11 Things Invented By People With No Kids

(Note- this list is not comprehensive or in any way correct. Feel free to be offended, especially if you are an inventor or if you have no kids.)

~Mini-blinds~ If I have to explain this you just wouldn't understand. (Don't those mini blinds in the picture look attractive? The ones in my house do not look like that anymore.)

~Nail polish~ Seems like a good idea. Until it is on your towels, floor, wall, clothing, etc. Or if you are at a place in life where you wash your hands compulsively (but you are not obsessive-compulsive, you are just always touching bodily fluids) and so applying it on yourself is a useless exercise.

~Easy to open refrigerators~ I have cleaned not one, but TWO eggs off the floor today. Yes, the 20 month old likes eggs. She just doesn't get that you can't eat them right out of the fridge.

~Ovens with all the knobs at waist level~ Really? Did anybody think this one through? A child under the age of two can do horrid things to a home when the knobs are accessible on a stove. I'm no stove engineer, but couldn't they just be up above the burners?

~Any food with food coloring or high fructose corn syrup in it~ I am constantly amazed at how quickly my kids get a cold or just plain act like lunatics after consuming something with this crap in it. It isn't even food. Don't put it in food. And don't feed it to my kids!

~All those "educational" toys~ Yes, I know that a good, responsible, loving mother is supposed to enjoy puzzle pieces, fake dinosaur bones buried in clay, and any toy that makes a huge mess or is easy to choke on. I guess I am just not at the top of my game when it comes to this. Why oh why am I perfectly satisfied with kids who play with sticks, empty toilet paper rolls or dirt? I must just not care about their education.

~Toys that light up or make noise~ Also known as "grandma toys" because grandma (or childless uncles I have noticed) are always buying these. Believe it or not, my life is actually quite loud and capable of inducing seizures or panic attacks WITHOUT the addition of toys that make their own kind of crazy. Again, I am just fine with brown boxes and imagination. Call me crazy.

~Batteries~ They seem like a good idea. Apparently they also seem like something that a toddler would really like to suck on too. Blech.

~Crayons~ I know. I sound grumpy today, don't I?! But crayons drive me nuts. They are often (depending on the age of the child) 1) Consumed (though it does make for very interesting diaper changes) or 2) Used to make art on the wall (Did I say I liked them to use their imagination? I meant, within reason.)

~Carpet~ I know, carpet seems innocent enough. It might even keep down the noise in a house or provide a nice cozy feel. It has a darker side though. Just go look at any of the apartments I have ever lived in. (Actually, considering how much I paid upon move out to replace the carpet, they should look beautiful by now.) Another fun fact- some types of yellow fruit punch, actually turn bright pink when spilled on white carpet. It's true.

~Lip Balm~ I confess, I was once a lip balm addict. I loved the stuff. I would buy it in bulk at big box stores. Those beautiful shiny tubes of flavored wax goodness could be found all over my house. Then I had a child (just one mind you) and......They just all got destroyed. Many were eaten. As it turns out they taste good. Also, they are super duper fun to stick your finger or other objects in. Also, that twisty thing on the bottom.....very cool. I don't even bother buying lip balm any more. I no longer have shiny lips that taste faintly of cherry.....Ahh, the things a mother sacrifices.

Well, I have to go now. My kids are outside riding bikes rather than playing with educational toys or common household items that for some reason contain acid. Ta ta for now!


Ashley said…
Kendra said…
Aye Aye on the Grandma toys. Why do they do this to us? they know how enthused they we to receive them for us when we were small.
Maria said…
OMG my hubby is looking me me like I'm nuts sitting here laughing. SOOOO right!!
Tori said…
So great! I especially appreciate the food bit... and GLAD to know my kids are not the only ones effected in that way.... We've also taken chocolate out of our home, but that's a whole OTHER issue, eh? :)
Cynthia said…
I asked my Mom the other day if I was the last parent to not want battery operated toys in my house...the huge noise kind. And she just smiled - it is good to know others like their kids to use their imagination as well!
I'm with your first commenter, Ashley! LOL!
Just a comment on the stoves from a public health nurse -- there isn't a good answer on this one.
Put the knobs at waist height, and the kiddoes can get to them. Put them behind the burners, and someone has to reach over a hot burner or hot pot to adjust or turn off the heat. There have been lots of burned and scalded arms, or fires caused by sleeves and other uppor torso coverings that touch the burners.
My gas fireplace has a remote -- should my gas stove?
Cherylyn said…
This is great! All true, and I must say I'm so glad I'm not the only one with a 20 month old who thinks they can pull the egg carton out of the fridge to eat them raw.
Hannah Joy said…
LOVE IT! So true.

As for the eggs, I keep hard boiled ones up front. I have a 20mos old that is an EGG FIEND. <3
Jessi said…

Great post!
Oh I can so relate to those toys that grandma's and uncles will give. The ones that require batteries My mother in law used to send care packages with all sorts of toys and "goodies" until she realized that the kids like the box and bubble wrap more.
Oh I can so relate to those toys that grandma's and uncles will give. The ones that require batteries My mother in law used to send care packages with all sorts of toys and "goodies" until she realized that the kids like the box and bubble wrap more.
Tamara said…
My little one has knocked nail polish into our tub twice while I was painting her older sissy's nails. Thank goodness that magic erasers were invented by those with kids to counter act the stupidity :o)

Also, Red 40 is the devil in our house too...causes everything from mood swings, absence seizures, tummy troubles, hives, and breathing problems for our girls.

And wanted to add that I think the dollar store was invented by someone with no kids too. All it offers is more plastic, made in China, junk that I refuse to find a place for in our home, so I am then left with the option of tossing it that makes me feel hugely hypocritical since it is not earth friendly in the least. So, I guess it was made by someone who hates the earth too then LOL!
Tamara said…
Forgot to add...our girls currently love playing with toilet paper rolls since they are in a pirate stage ;o) Ahoy mate!
Anonymous said…
On my! So funny. Almost all of these things are in my home (minus the blinds and carpet...which have been in our other recent homes)...and I despise all of them. I actually feel like a lunatic sometimes with how annoyed at a crayon I can get. But now that babe #3 is eating them all. Ugh. Blue waxy teeth on a 1-year old. So not sweet and innocent. Thanks for posting! I hear you Sistah!
Drew said…
Sounds to me, like you only spawned in order to have more reasons to complain. I hope you can someday find joy in making a finger paint mess on the kitchen table, or destroying a new pair of Prada loafers by jumping in mud puddles with your kiddos.. Those memories will not send your children to therapy, like your anal retentive attention to perfection will. God be with your children & your Husband!
Melanie Carr said…
Drew - tongue in cheek, dude. Moms like to joke about stuff like this sometimes. Unless we are pulling our hair out and crying at the same time while complaining - it's more fun and love than actual complaining. We love being Moms and that's our job. Besides, if you don't have anything nice to say...
Camilleta said…
I know how you feel on many things! Especially the chapstick since my daughter just ate half a stick of it and smeared the rest on the wooden floor and I tripped on it then had to call poison control just to make sure it wasn't poisonous! Ugh.

Drew, seriously? Lol it's not that serious, it's called satire. Moms joke. We still love our kids, OBVIOUSLY.
Annette said…
At our house they're called Grandma Toys because they stay at Grandma's house, LOL!
Angela said…
You forgot glitter. Also, you should add the National Battery Ingestion Hotline to your list of emergency numbers, because even the tiniest batteries can cause EXTENSIVE internal damage - I'm talking bleeding organs, etc. (202)625-3333