Saturday, March 5, 2011
If Mama Ran The World....
Sometimes I think about how the world would be different if mamas were in charge.... Here are a few changes I would make...
~There would be a drive-through for EVERYTHING. Including chap stick and eggs. Then, if all the kids were either acting like lunatics or asleep you could still have soap for the next day without a traumatic grocery store trip.
~Actresses would be required to go in public post-partum when they were at least 20 pounds heavier than their ideal. This would really help real women feel less inferior when we really are not inferior- we are just normal and don't have trainers, cooks and expensive corsets. They would also have to have leaky breasts.
~You could buy a car with three rows, that sat eight and it would still get good gas mileage. Try filling up a Suburban in California, it will literally make you ill.
~You could get healthy fast food for you kids that did not include strangely naked apples AND (is this some kind of joke?) caramel dipping sauce.
~All husbands would realize that the magical laundry fairy must take a break for two weeks after mama has a baby, and they would help with laundry instead.
~Wearing a handkerchief over your hair and stretchy pants in public would be considered super sexy AND stylish.
~Pregnancy parking- need I say more? Why isn't this everywhere?
~Sagging breasts would be something all young women yearned to have when they grew up.
~People would have cosmetic surgery in order to GET stretch marks. Mamas with them naturally would be revered.
~Midwives (including the home birth variety) would be covered by all insurance and available in all hospitals and available for a woman's entire lifetime of female care. Consequently about 90% of the Ob's in the world would be out of jobs. Oh, and the c-section rate would plummet.
~A full year of paid maternity leave if you wanted it. (Maybe women do run some countries in Europe...)
~You could buy nice nursing bras in six packs, just like men's socks. Oh--- and they would cost the same as tube socks.
~Daylight savings time: would not exist. Obviously a man invented this. Good luck getting the kids in bed when it is still light outside, and so when do you get any quiet time?! (Again, maybe women run Arizona...)
~The muffin top (not the edible variety, the variety that hangs over your pants) would also be considered super sexy. (Young women everywhere would be heard saying things like "Oh, why doesn't MY skin stretch like that?! You are soooo lucky!")
~Everybody would think it was normal to nurse in public without a cover. Really- it would be normal. There would be no debates, no grossed out teenagers and no need for blankets in the summer.
~It would actually be illegal to ask a pregnant woman if she was having twins OR to tell her she must be due sooner than that because "You are just SOOO big!" The offense would be punishable by caning.
~Automatic laundry folding.
~Airbrushing and photo-shop would not exist. It isn't fair and it isn't real and it just makes everybody look bad.