Confessions of a Pregnant Mama

I don't know why but I find public mass confession so soothing and cathartic. Here I go again.

I am pregnant, for the fourth time. I should be used to this by now. I should be an old hand at birth and mothering. I am not. I am scared. And I am scared of lots of things, many of them stupid.

~I am scared to death of going shopping with three little ones hugely pregnant with number four and having people STARE at me and tell me my hands are full. I am scared of what they will think of me. I am scared they will see that I am actually not handling things well and that they really KNOW that my hands are full and I NEED HELP. I know I should just say, "Oh my hands are full of blessings!" But, sometimes they just feel FULL.

~I am scared to death about screwing up yet another perfect child with all of my parenting mishaps and mistakes and horrors. Will they need therapy? Probably. Will I be able to afford it? Probably not.

~I am scared of fat arms again. Yes I realize that this makes me sound vain and selfish and downright silly. But I don't like it when my arms are fatter. I just don't. I am vain. So there.

~Birth- yes I have had three (count them!) three natural births. You know what. They each get faster and so they each get a little more intense and harder. People say you forget what it feels like. Well, I have news for you. If you have three kids in 5 years you don't forget.

~Performance anxiety. I have birth performance anxiety. Yes, I know, once again I am being vain and foolish. I am fully AWARE of my silliness! I teach natural childbirth. I am a vocal proponent of natural and home birth and I don't want to screw this up! I don't. That is a really dumb reason to be afraid of birth but there it is.

~My children will take advantage of me in my slow and cow like state. That is for sure. I know for experience that a two year old can EASILY outrun me when I am anywhere near full term. Baby number three will not even be two when this one is born and let me tell you, she is already my most feisty. This could get interesting.

~Money. Money is an issue. I wish there were more of it. Wait, there is plenty of it. It just is not in my bank account. I know that money technically doesn't not bring happiness, but as they say in How To Marry A Millionaire, "It doesn't exactly depress me either."

~I am pretty sure I can not handle this. Yes, pretty sure. If I am not doing that much of a bang up job with three then it is a given that four will be even more, shall we say, interesting. And you know what, because I have more kids than average, I desperately want to appear as though I am ACTUALLY handling things. Yes, I know I care to much about appearances.

Ahh, Ladies. Thanks for letting me get all crazy and hormonal and self obsessed on you. I sincerely hope that I can learn to handle life better than I do currently, and that my children will know, in the end, that no matter how badly I screwed up, I loved them so much through it all. Yes, that is what I want most, for them to know that I loved them.

Wish me luck, and of course, good luck to you.


Carrie said…
Despite all confessions, it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job at being a mother, and a pregnant woman! Although I love reading the blogs written by those 'perfect' mothers, this blog is so much more uplifting for me and gets me through the day to day struggles. Thank you!
Moonstonemama said…
Something must be in the air because yesterday I had the exact same vocalization of feelings!

Really I'm just so scared about not being enough for everyone.
I don't pay enough attention to DD.
I'm not as affectionate with my husband.
The house isn't clean enough.
Meals aren't good enough.
I don't walk the dog enough.
I'm not as nice to the cat.
How am I going to do this all when a new baby is here demanding all my attention?
How in the hell am I going to give birth again?

Gah! Thank you for posting this, glad to know I'm not alone.
robotheart said…
oh i hear you, youngest, of three, is 18mo and i found myself pregnant w/ #'s 4 AND 5...i crap my pants on a regular basis...haha.

dont worry. i wont be one of the ones judging you or making 'brilliant' comments about your workload...i'll just quietly pass the chocolate/cheese doodles/martini and let you vent. xo.
Cherylyn said…
Once again, thank you for voicing my feelings for me! I'm going through the same emotions, just thinking about having a sixth child.
McApril said…
Dangit! Woman! You weren't supposed to tell me natural birth gets harder - you were supposed to say that it gets easier after your first because your pelvis has already moved itself around once, what big deal could it be the second time?
Unknown said…
Thank you so much for your post! I am currently pregnant with #5 and you put my feelings into words perfectly! Sometimes it is so hard to admit things like this. You made me feel better, knowing that I am not alone. Thank you so much for your courage!
Mama Birth said…
@ McApril- harder is some ways, easier in others- I wouldn't trade it- it is just that it is still work! But I like that it gets faster- major bonus!
And thanks to all else!
Unknown said…
Congrats on the new baby! I'm sure you will do great.
Julie said…
Hi there! I'm a new follower on your blog :) and I love this post. It's very... real. I agree with other readers who have commented that you have a very realistic and refreshingly honest viewpoint. I never quite trust the mom bloggers who seem to have everything all figured out... there's got to be something they're not sharing.

I'm one of 5 and want to have at least 4 myself (although we're having enough trouble getting a #1 going), so I appreciate what it means to have a big family. I'm very close with my brothers and wouldn't trade them for anything (well, you know, MOST of the time ;) ) so I hope your children have the same appreciation someday!
Congrats, Mama! And thank you for showing how human you are :)
I'm not pregnant again (yet) but I know my fears would be very similar to yours...
However, I can't relate to my labors getting shorter. Mine keep getting longer! 1st was 5hrs, 2nd was 17hrs, and my 3rd was 36hrs! They do keep getting less intense though and the worst part is the afterpains OUCH!! Lol...
Anyhoo, great post and congratulations again, you are a blessed woman.
Anonymous said…
This is an awesomely honest post, and if you parent with the same honesty, you're doing just fine. Appearing perfect all the time just teaches your kids that life can be perfect--and it can't. Being honest teaches your kids a very important trait, and gives them a realistic outlook on life.
Thank you for writing this, because as a mother of two, who is planning on having more children but at times feels "full" like you, I can relate so strongly to this!
Melynda said…
Thanks for this post! As I am struggling with three and feeling alone, it helps to know that others have the same fears as me.
Mama Birth said…
Thanks so much ladies. You have no idea how much positive feedback means to me. And thanks for not telling me I suck!
Xeryfyn said…
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Xeryfyn said…
I just had #4 two months ago. It is everything and nothing of what you fear.

I hit submit before I finished my last thought...yeah..just wanted to thank you for writing out what is already in my head. It feels awesome to know that we are not alone in this life.
mamamia said…
I am currently expecting #11 and I have all the same fears as you too, lol!
I am not in the same profession as you, but I still have performance fear, lol! It gets worse when you have the same caregivers, I think. They are wonderful and probably don't have any unrealistic expectations of me during labour, it's just my silly fear that I will not perform better than the last time, lol!
Thanks for the read, I really enjoyed this post and will go back and read some more when I get a few spare minutes.