10 Ways to Prepare a Mom For a Bad Birth
1. Treat her pregnancy like a disease and her baby like a foreign tumor-
This will set the stage for feeling sick, hating pregnancy, and wanting it to end as soon as possible. It will also plant the seed of doubt in her bodies ability to do something right.
2. Test, Test, Test-
Instead of talking with her and listening to her concerns, just run expensive and invasive tests for diseases and conditions that most likely don't affect her. This way she won't have time to tell you what is really going on like she would if she actually KNEW her care provider, and (as an extra bonus) it will fill her with anxiety about her pregnancy and birth. Things could go wrong at ANY time.
3. Tell her her body does not work-
It is important to do this subtly. You don't want mom to get angry enough to run for the hills, just instill enough self doubt that she feels like she needs you. Some good phrases: "You are measuring just a little bit large...." or "I'm concerned about your borderline test results with regard to X, I think we need to do another test...." are good examples. (And of course, an oldie but a goodie, "You are gaining a little bit too much weight...")
4. Do frequent vaginal exams during pregnancy-
This helps establish dominance because she is in a subservient position with you as the Alpha dog. Also, it is uncomfortable and we all know that nobody questions anything when they have no pants on. It is also a great time to employ #3 (ie- "Ummm, your pelvis is quite small...")
5. Remember, you can always find a reason to induce-
By the time the due date is fast approaching mom should be well aware of her complete inability to function without you and have a baby under her own power. She is ripe for suggestion and now is the time to offer induction. Also, she will be tired and uncomfortable (especially if she is focusing on #1) and she will feel like you are helping her out. Remember, anything can be given as a reason to induce, from small baby to large baby and everything in between.
6. Give her a due date-
So far you have been sure to treat the pregnancy and birth like a test that she is incapable of actually passing. The due date is a perfect end to this. It makes her more open to #5 (induction) and it reminds her that unless she does things perfectly (ie- has baby on the correct appointed day) she will not be receiving an A on her pregnancy/birth test. How can a woman who does not have her baby when appropriate actually give birth properly?
7. Remember, pitocin is your friend-
Now time for labor! Now, even if mom is one of the rare ones who has her baby when she is supposed to, you can still use the pitocin to make it more painful. And, if not, you can use it for the induction. By now she will be practically begging you to help her get her baby out. Pitocin serves lots of functions: 1) great for induction 2) great for making labor more painful 3) great for making her have the baby quickly and 4) great for making you feel needed.
By now mom knows that she can not do this on her own without technology and she knows that labor is PAINFUL and HORRID. Don't tell her that the pitocin makes it worse. She will just be glad you are there to make it better for her.
She will be kneeling at the alter of modern technology and medication at this point and will be so grateful for the "experts" around her who are capable of making all the pain go away. This is where you come in. Only a licensed expert can dispense pain relief. You might not be a knight on a white horse, but you have a white coat and a needle and that is good enough! (Heaven forbid she take a natural birth class too! She doesn't need to learn that stuff!)
9. You can always SECTION!-
And- if all of the above doesn't work to get that baby out- don't worry- you can save the day with the expensive, quick, and invasive c-section!!!!
There are lots of benefits to this. 1) You get to save her and the baby (shh, don't tell anybody you put them in danger in the first place with 1-8) and 2) Even though you cut her open and pulled her baby out, she will be grateful you were there to take care of things! She truly could not have done it without you. Thank goodness she was in a hospital!
10) Remember- the baby is ALIVE!-
Now after all of this sometimes mom will grieve that un-medicated birth (usually because they have some horrible friends who like that awful Riki Lake movie). Now is the best time to point out that she really has no right to grieve that kind of birth loss, after all, she has a healthy baby. This is also a subtle reminder to her that she is selfish and a bad mother.
It sounds crazy boys, but follow the above 10 rules and we will keep those ladies coming back for more!