Monday, July 5, 2010
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?
If my last few posts mean anything, I am obviously having some issues lately.
Sometimes I hear women say things like, "I know I am a good mother," or something along those lines. I seriously wonder what the heck they are talking about. No, I am not judging them because I think they are not a good mom, I just don't understand where their confidence comes from.
When I look at myself and my life, all I see are my flaws. I see my beautiful children. They are amazing. But any behavior problems or issues they have, I can pretty much attribute to something I did or said. When they are rude, they are usually just repeating something I said. When they are acting up, it is usually because I have not been giving them the attention they need.
My marriage. My gosh, where do I even begin. I try so hard to be a great wife, but it just does not ever seem to be enough. I do not expect perfection, but I guess I expect better than this...
I struggle to clean and cook and care for those around me. And yet, there is still something else that needs to be done. There is still a mess, a load of laundry, a dish, an ant, an unidentifiable odor.
I by no means mean to say that I think it is within my power to do and be all these things perfectly. But I do think I could be better.
Maybe part of the problem is that I am afraid of being comfortable. I am afraid that if I stop pushing myself I will stop trying. I fear that if I look at myself and my life and think, "Good job mama" that I will be prideful, boastful, and arrogant.
But I get so tired of feeling not good enough. I like to say that guilt is a good motivator for me. It forces me to get out of bed and try harder the next day. Lately though I have just been feeling overwhelmed.
Talking to other moms I am starting to think that I am not the only one who feels like this. So many of us just notice our faults. We notice the mistakes and the flaws. We work ourselves until we are lame and then do it again the next day and still feel like we have not done it all.
I wish I knew what the answer was to this depressing little conundrum. I wish I knew a way to be happy, joyful and smiling without being complacent. I want to be humble and teachable but also be strong, powerful, and confident.
Maybe I do just want perfection when I should be looking for balance and joy.