Friday, July 2, 2010

Partners in Crime, An Interview with Mr. C-Section and Mr. Ultrasound


Mr C-Section-
"Well today I wanted to introduce you all to a very good friend of mine, Mr Ultrasound. You will find him everywhere today in Obstetrics. Lets talk to him a little about how he works and what he does. Mr Ultrasound, welcome to the show."

Mr. Ultrasound-

"Well, Mr C, thanks so much for having me. I don't think many people realize what good friends we are so it is nice to have this opportunity."

Mr C-

"So true Mr U, explain a little to start about your role in obstetrics, and how you keep women scared and the money rolling in."

Mr U-

"I would be happy too. Well, years ago, I was just used if a Doctor was worried about something or a woman was high risk. But today, almost every woman gets exposed to me throughout her pregnancy. It is something that I am really quite proud of."

Mr C-

"As you should be. Tell me your role in Obstetrics today."

Mr U-

"Of course! Well, almost as soon as a woman gets pregnant she can go see her doctor or midwife. Now, they can do early internal ultrasounds to determine a heartbeat. It is now pretty much standard care for that mom to have ultrasound exposure at every visit in the form of the Doppler to hear the babies heartbeat. By 20 weeks, most women get another ultrasound, this one from a trained tech that can look at the baby to determine sex and check on the size of the baby. Then, in labor, I am an integral part of the entire process, since I am often strapped to the laboring woman for the entire time she is in the hospital."

Mr C-

"I know! Isn't it amazing how you and I, while once thought only necessary in extreme situations are now just standard of care! I mean, even me, THE C-SECTION! Have you heard? 32%!!! I just can't believe my luck! But enough about me, could you explain how we have become such good friends?"

Mr U-

"Of course! We work so well together don't you think? You see the early ultrasound when the mom thinks she is just going to find out the sex of the baby, is a chance to start instilling fear. Maybe the baby is too small. Maybe it is too big. Either way it works well. Too small and we can get her worrying about her bodies ability to create life. Too big and we can plant the idea in her head that she will need YOU in order to give birth."

"But that is just the beginning!! We can schedule more and more ultrasounds to determine exactly what is "wrong" with the baby! This helps pay for my boat, know what I mean!?

"Then, if the baby dares stay in that tummy for a day over 40 weeks, she can get another ultrasound, this time to see how low those fluid levels are and how old that placenta is. Also- this is a chance to prove to her through "science" that her baby is ENORMOUS!!!! Sometimes we can just schedule the c-section right then, but even if not, it plants an important seed of fear and self doubt."

Mr C-

"But Mr U! Don't stop there, we continue to work together so well throughout the labor, do we not? Please continue!"

Mr U-

"With pleasure! This next bit is really my pride and joy. Continuous fetal monitoring!!! Really ingenious don't you think?!"

"Once a woman is in labor, she can be constantly strapped to me! As you know, I am not terribly accurate in determining if a baby is actually in distress when used this way. However, what woman wants to complain and demand that I be used only occasionally! That could possibly put her baby at risk, which would make her a bad mother before she even starts!!!!"

Mr C-

"You know bud, that is one of my favorite things too. Nobody really knows how often I get used because of you, but I have a feeling that we will be good friends for a long long time."

Mr U-

"Here is the best part. They can NEVER get rid of us. The reason- we are both necessary some of the time. And because we are an important part of actually keeping some women and babies safe and healthy, we can continue to be overused for everybody!"

Mr C-

"Well, Mr U, it has been a pleasure, as always. See you again soon!"

Mr U-

" You know it brother!"

5 comments:

Jennifer said...

Very witty, very well-done, and sadly, very true.

Sarah C said...

Thanks- and it is sad isn't it?

Dr. Travis Robertson said...

I laughed, I cried and felt disgusted because it is so true.

Natural Birth Goddess said...

Agreed with all the above.

Todd said...

I laughed, I cried and felt disgusted because it is so true.

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